Wheelchair Study (satire)

A forum to discuss Chronic Cerebrospinal Venous Insufficiency and its relationship to Multiple Sclerosis.

Wheelchair Study (satire)

Postby bruce123 » Thu Sep 09, 2010 5:22 am

A doctor in Italy has released the results of a study which claims that wheelchair use by MS patients who are unable to walk due to their condition show improved mobility and an improved quality of life.

This study has garnered great interest within the MS community in North America and around the world. In response to this interest the National MS Society has issued a statement warning people who are suffering with MS not use wheelchairs at this time. The MS Society states that there is no scientific proof that the use of wheelchairs will ultimately improve mobility and lead to an improved quality of life. A spokesman for the MS Society, Dr. Nero Oligist, says that there is no connection between wheelchair usage and improved mobility. He points out that the Italian research only looked at 65 patients and while all 65 showed significantly improved mobility after obtaining a wheelchair, the research lacks credibility as it was not done by him.

The MS Society has been under significant pressure from the MS community to look into this research. In response the Society has decided to use $2.7 million of money raised by people suffering from MS and their families to fund research into the relationship between wheelchairs and MS.

Early results from this research shows that while many MS suffers use wheelchairs, some people with other medical conditions also use wheelchairs as do a portion of the general population. This seems to cast doubt on the Italian research. In addition, there has been a case in the US where a person in a wheelchair was hit by a car and killed. This indicates the serious risk associated with wheelchair use.

The MS Society continues to use donated funds to lobby governments and the medical community against the use of wheelchairs. They have recently written a letter to the government urging them to not allow MS patients access to wheelchairs. The letter states, “Until more scientific proof is available we feel it is in the best interest of people suffering with MS that the government not fund any studies that may provide scientific proof of the effectiveness of wheelchairs.” The letter goes on to state that while wheelchairs continue to be available to people suffering from other ailments, those with MS must not be allowed to use them because the MS Society is really, really smart and should not be questioned.
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Postby 1eye » Thu Sep 09, 2010 6:00 am

This is so devastatingly funny, I could not read it to my wife. I could only say a few select parts of it before I would crack up and have to start over. A very cruel joke first thing in the morning. It's a good thing I don't easily get the hiccups. I say, easily, but once I get them I cannot stop, so it was worth it to get coffee up my nose, and also down my pajamas, and choke on my toast a bit. It's not very pronounceable under those conditions. You end up with pseudo-bulbar toast stenosis. And fall out of your wheelchair. Oh, dear, I hope the MS Society doesn't find out about this. They'll disown me.
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Postby erinc14 » Thu Sep 09, 2010 6:17 am

HUGE LOL :!: :!: :!:
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Postby bluesky63 » Thu Sep 09, 2010 6:19 am

I have heard that the machines manufactured by the Italians are very FAST and effective (wasn't there that paper by Dr. Ferrarri?) but the Americans are frankly having trouble with the production and repairs. They can't seem to duplicate the results from the Italian or European machines and are urging caution because of perceived dangers -- some problems with trials conducted by a Dr. Pinto who is being funded by the MS Society? But mind you this is all hearsay.
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Postby sbr487 » Thu Sep 09, 2010 6:19 am

... two studies done in Sweden and German cast doubt on this radically new theory. The supporters are contesting the validity of these two studies. According to them, the team conducted studies with wheelchairs that did not have wheels ...
A new scientific truth does not triumph by convincing its opponents and making them see the light, but rather because its opponents eventually die and a new generation grows up that is familiar with it
- Max Planck
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Postby willm » Thu Sep 09, 2010 6:58 am

This is BRILLIANT!!
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Postby 1eye » Thu Sep 09, 2010 9:40 am

I think those Americans just can't compete, even though they take steeroids. They just can't cut the mustard. This bugs them. So they are trying to baffle us with Beer, Uncertainty, Gout and Such. It's making us very unsteady on our feet. Is it a Link, a Connection, an Association, a Society, a Book Club, a Political Party, what? Maybe an Affiliation, an Affinity, an Alliance, a Consanguinity, or Correlation. Couldn't it just as easily be an Interdependence, a Co-dependence or Interrelationship, even a Kinship? Why not a Liaison, a Propinquity, or a Tie-In? I think finally, it will be shown, mobility has nothing to do with the dangerous use of wheels.

:) :?: :)
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Postby ppicklee » Thu Sep 09, 2010 9:45 am

This kills me! :-) metaphorically of course! But of course you do realize that people are going out of the country to use their wheelchairs and they work just fine in Bulgaria, Poland, India, Costa Rica, etc. etc. Or so I'm told! :-) LMAO which is not easy in a wheelchair
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left-siders

Postby 1eye » Thu Sep 09, 2010 10:07 am

I have heard that in some countries, even the use of square wheels is permitted. Not that I have anything against those that are, well, left-siders.

I'd let one mow my lawn *or* marry my daughter. 8O :)
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Postby welshman » Thu Sep 09, 2010 11:11 am

Thank you bruce123, it's not often you get to see or read totally politically incorrect humour anymore, even more so when it comes to this sorry disease !!!! I do hope that you've sent a copy of this to the C.I.H.R. , the M.S. Society of Canada, and our Minister of Health.

To the other commenters who continued to add to the premise, I loved it all. A wonderful way to start the day before reading all the rest of the crap from our politicians, our neuro's and our MS Society !!!!
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Postby aliyalex » Thu Sep 09, 2010 11:50 am

i don't care what they all say, I'm getting liberated and heading for the autobahn. Then I'm getting a chair like Marc's and leaving everyone in my dust. aliyah
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Postby Donnchadh » Thu Sep 09, 2010 1:54 pm

Instead, the American Neurological Society has maintained its decades old position that MS patients don't need the assistance of upstart "wheelchairs", as most can still make their required weekly office visits by using the long-established technology of crutches. And numerous peer reviewed studies have proven that, even in the most dire of cases, crawling on the floor still remains a viable option.

A more compelling concern, widely held by the neuro's and pharma industries, is that the indiscriminate use of this potentially hazardous "wheelchair" technology results in a direct challenge to their long standing legal monopoly on exploiting "their MS" patients and resulting obscene cash flow. Accordingly, they completely reject this questionable "wheelchair" usage and have universally and pompously decided to just ignore all requests for its adoption.

"Crutches," said Dr. Nero Oligist, "represent the best way to delay the inevitable progression of walking disability, and today's wide range of prescription woods and waxes for them are the direct result of decades of research."

Furthermore, the alleged improvements in mobility are actually only a placebo effect seized upon by the "wheelchair" manufacturers as a way to market their inexpensive alternative to gullible and vulnerable MS sufferers. These patients definitely shouldn't be subjected to the stress of having to chose the option of mobility over disability.

The demand for widespread and exhaustive testing of this unproven "wheelchair" includes requiring answering the completely irrelevant criticisms of self-proclaimed anti-wheelchair experts. These studies are anticipated to last nearly forever, at which point the expectation is that MS patients will simply forget all about these alleged advances in mobility and once again unquestionably accept whatever their patronizing neuro's hold as accepted "proof" of the crutches theory.

The assistance of corporate suits, hospital administration bureaucracies, and interdepartmental specialty rivalries is gratefully acknowledged in forcing the near total suspension of any new "wheelchair" production and in maintaining the all important status quo.

[FLASH UPDATE][STORY DEVELOPING] The Government today announced a budget appropriation of $100 million in the upcoming fiscal year for funding research concerning the proposed "wheelchair" technology. The funds will be administered by Dr. Nero Oligist, the esteemed developer of crutches specifically meant for use by MS patients. There has been widespread media reports of MS patients secretly smuggling in contraband 'wheelchairs" from Eastern European countries. Also there has been persistent rumors of "wheelchairs" being purchased from shady "back alley" pushers by vulnerable MS patients. "This funding," stated Dr. Nero Oligist, "will enable extensive testing of the dubious 'wheelchair' hypothesis by the top experts of in the field. I intend to hand-pick my fellow crutch experts so as to assure complete objectivity and also for reaching a foregone conclusion." Dr. Nero Oligist, who holds several patents on crutch designs, stated he intended to fund 4 or 5 separate studies; each projected to last for many years. Thousands of dollars are budgeted for purchasing used "wheelchairs" from thift shops to be the actual test subjects; the rest of the funds ($99,998,000) will barely cover the salaries of the researchers.

[STORY UPDATE] In a surprise move, the Green Party has joined with the Conservatives in opposing adoption of the "wheelchair" for MS patients.
"The proposed 'wheelchairs' require extensive use of energy in their fabrication. There's also the use of toxic chromium metal plating which raises questions concerning the safe disposal of their pickling solutions," stated the leader of the Greens. Their position paper advocates continuing the use of the existing crutches technology because it is based on a renewable resource-wood. "This wood can be sustainable grown on plantations," he claimed. Conservatives are opposed on budgetary grounds, as the proposed implementation of "wheelchairs" is believed to be more expensive. "This is yet another example of creeping growth of entitlement programs, and is only going to widen the deficit," the Conservative leader stated at a joint press conference.

[STORY PENDING] A spokesman for the insurance industry was cautious concerning the possible adoption of "wheelchairs" for MS patients. "While the immediate upfront cost of purchasing a 'wheelchair' seems excessive, that cost has to balanced against the high maintenance costs for crutches," he noted. "Crutches must be maintained on a weekly basis, using expensive proprietary waxes and administered only by specially trained personal. It might well be less expensive overall to opt for the one-time purchase of a 'wheelchair,'" he thought. "Besides, we can always use standard insurance industry tactics of denying claims to minimize our policy expenses," he observed.


Donnchadh

As someone who has walking issues, I hope my satire is not seen as being insensitive to those who have to utilize wheelchairs. It is directed against the bizarre situation we are in.
Last edited by Donnchadh on Sun Sep 12, 2010 7:54 am, edited 11 times in total.
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Postby SandyK » Thu Sep 09, 2010 4:26 pm

That's brilliant!
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Postby elyse_peace » Thu Sep 09, 2010 9:34 pm

fellow strugglers,
you all rise fabulously to the "make'em-laugh" challenge. thank you for sharing your creativity and humor. you made my day (and night)!
elyse :D
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thanks

Postby Brightspot » Thu Sep 09, 2010 9:42 pm

Thanks everyone for the laugh therapy!!
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