Instead, the American Neurological Society has maintained its decades old position that MS patients don't need the assistance of upstart "wheelchairs", as most can still make their required weekly office visits by using the long-established technology of crutches. And numerous peer reviewed studies have proven that, even in the most dire of cases, crawling on the floor still remains a viable option.
A more compelling concern, widely held by the neuro's and pharma industries, is that the indiscriminate use of this potentially hazardous "wheelchair" technology results in a direct challenge to their long standing legal monopoly on exploiting "their MS" patients and resulting obscene cash flow. Accordingly, they completely reject this questionable "wheelchair" usage and have universally and pompously decided to just ignore all requests for its adoption.
"Crutches," said Dr. Nero Oligist, "represent the best way to delay the inevitable progression of walking disability, and today's wide range of prescription woods and waxes for them are the direct result of decades of research."
Furthermore, the alleged improvements in mobility are actually only a placebo effect seized upon by the "wheelchair" manufacturers as a way to market their inexpensive alternative to gullible and vulnerable MS sufferers. These patients definitely shouldn't be subjected to the stress of having to chose the option of mobility over disability.
The demand for widespread and exhaustive testing of this unproven "wheelchair" includes requiring answering the completely irrelevant criticisms of self-proclaimed anti-wheelchair experts. These studies are anticipated to last nearly forever, at which point the expectation is that MS patients will simply forget all about these alleged advances in mobility and once again unquestionably accept whatever their patronizing neuro's hold as accepted "proof" of the crutches theory.
The assistance of corporate suits, hospital administration bureaucracies, and interdepartmental specialty rivalries is gratefully acknowledged in forcing the near total suspension of any new "wheelchair" production and in maintaining the all important status quo.
[FLASH UPDATE][STORY DEVELOPING] The Government today announced a budget appropriation of $100 million in the upcoming fiscal year for funding research concerning the proposed "wheelchair" technology. The funds will be administered by Dr. Nero Oligist, the esteemed developer of crutches specifically meant for use by MS patients. There has been widespread media reports of MS patients secretly smuggling in contraband 'wheelchairs" from Eastern European countries. Also there has been persistent rumors of "wheelchairs" being purchased from shady "back alley" pushers by vulnerable MS patients. "This funding," stated Dr. Nero Oligist, "will enable extensive testing of the dubious 'wheelchair' hypothesis by the top experts of in the field. I intend to hand-pick my fellow crutch experts so as to assure complete objectivity and also for reaching a foregone conclusion." Dr. Nero Oligist, who holds several patents on crutch designs, stated he intended to fund 4 or 5 separate studies; each projected to last for many years. Thousands of dollars are budgeted for purchasing used "wheelchairs" from thift shops to be the actual test subjects; the rest of the funds ($99,998,000) will barely cover the salaries of the researchers.
[STORY UPDATE] In a surprise move, the Green Party has joined with the Conservatives in opposing adoption of the "wheelchair" for MS patients.
"The proposed 'wheelchairs' require extensive use of energy in their fabrication. There's also the use of toxic chromium metal plating which raises questions concerning the safe disposal of their pickling solutions," stated the leader of the Greens. Their position paper advocates continuing the use of the existing crutches technology because it is based on a renewable resource-wood. "This wood can be sustainable grown on plantations," he claimed. Conservatives are opposed on budgetary grounds, as the proposed implementation of "wheelchairs" is believed to be more expensive. "This is yet another example of creeping growth of entitlement programs, and is only going to widen the deficit," the Conservative leader stated at a joint press conference.
[STORY PENDING] A spokesman for the insurance industry was cautious concerning the possible adoption of "wheelchairs" for MS patients. "While the immediate upfront cost of purchasing a 'wheelchair' seems excessive, that cost has to balanced against the high maintenance costs for crutches," he noted. "Crutches must be maintained on a weekly basis, using expensive proprietary waxes and administered only by specially trained personal. It might well be less expensive overall to opt for the one-time purchase of a 'wheelchair,'" he thought. "Besides, we can always use standard insurance industry tactics of denying claims to minimize our policy expenses," he observed.
As someone who has walking issues, I hope my satire is not seen as being insensitive to those who have to utilize wheelchairs. It is directed against the bizarre situation we are in.
Last edited by Donnchadh
on Sun Sep 12, 2010 6:54 am, edited 11 times in total.
Kitty says, "Take that, you stenosis!"
Got MS?.....Get Liberated!