How would ?

A forum to talk about the general challenges of daily life with MS.

How would ?

Postby robbie » Sun May 06, 2007 3:47 pm

How would my wifes life be different without me? I am at a point where i can't stop thinking how i am changing my wifes life. Without me it would be so much better for her, she says no but i know in my heart that i am holding her down, i just mean little things like going out ,dancing, travelling, shopping ect. I could still do this stuff[not dancing] but not the way it should be done. I sometimes think i should just move out of here and let her get on with someone who can make it all happen.She just loves me and wouldn't want that but it's the same as when a loved one dies, life goes on and u will be happy again. The way i feel now is like i have died and i just want the best for her. So much has changed since we got married, back then it was like every other young couple, things were good and hot now i am just so frustrated with what has happened to my body. It's so hard for me not to think she is wasteing her time with me. Being 41 and to think of the rest of my life like this or worst is just hard to take. why bring her down with me? I love her so much, maybe this is why i am thinking this way..
Had ms for over 19 years now.
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The spouse's reaction

Postby lyndacarol » Sun May 06, 2007 6:20 pm

Robbie--No one can understand your thoughts and situation exactly; we can only try. I have expressed my similar (your) ideas to my husband. His reply is that he is here with me no matter what comes. He reminds me of our wedding promises; he says he knows I would be there for him if the roles were reversed (and, of course, he is right). I venture to guess that you would not be happy to have your wife move out if she were the one with MS. Could you get on with a life with someone else under those circumstances?

Some people cannot deal with misfortune and an ill spouse; I cannot fault them--it is not an easy journey. But I admire greatly those who can supply continued support and help (My husband makes me laugh, even though I feel guilty when I do.).

We know only too well that life is not fair. And our condition does change the other's life. But would we act differently if we were on the other side?

It is my nature to be optimistic--I truly believe the answer to MS is coming soon, the human body is an awesome creation, and we will heal (and even dance--altho I never did that well. Maybe ballroom dance lessons are in our future!)
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I call bull...

Postby havingms » Sun May 06, 2007 7:24 pm

Dearest Robbie,

Man, stand tall. Get a hold of yourself now! Stop disrespecting your wife, your marriage and especially, your self. I know and understand your pain. I am right there with you.

You refer to yourself as a 7 but you are so much more than that. Your dissability number is not who you are. Part of being human will always include the experience of pain. There's nothing wrong with that. It is actually part of the greater plan.

You have to admitt to yourself that you don't know if your wife's life would be better without you. You might think you know but you don't. Actually, you might just be the best thing that ever happened to her.

Adversity comes into our life and hopefully becomes our teacher. You are not dead yet. You are alive, here, on this earth, in your wife's life for better or for worse, in sickness or in health.

I know that the grief and loss have been huge but its not over yet.
It might be true that so much has changed since you got married but there were never any guarantees. This is how life is and its happenning now.

What you are asked to do, is show up and do the best that you are able to do. If your wife loves you and is willing to fight at your side, take a deep breath, and let that love in. You are still the same person that you were when she married you. You essence remains unchanged.

Instead of focusing on what you've lost, turn your attention to what you have. You can make that grow into a beautiful garden. Start by putting your attention and focus on your wife. You can think of MS as a 3rd person that has come between you and her and you have to stand up to that "person" and protect what is yours.

I know that many of us (including myself), feel at times, like we have gotten a rotten deal in life. It's OK to feel like that every now and then, but you must stop feeling sorry for yourself cause you're selling your marriage short. If you love her as much as you say you do, acknowledge her, let her into your heart and honor her free will. If you can do that, you are as great a man as any other.

Just imagine how it would feel to get through this together.

Remember that you are not alone. There are so many great people on this site. We face our challanges and take one step at a time doing the best that we can. There is no other way around it.

May all your prayers be ansewred and wholeness be yours.

Thank you.
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Postby robbie » Mon May 07, 2007 5:18 am

Thanks for yor replys, i only wish this was a fight i would either win or loose but this is somthing different, if i feel this way now i just can't imagine the rest. I was having a bad day yesterday so i spilled it a little to much, gotta think possitive...
Had ms for over 19 years now.
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Postby Wonderfulworld » Mon May 07, 2007 12:01 pm

Robbie, I think we may all have thought a bit the way you're thinking at times. I really feel for you. EDSS 7 is hard - I have been 9 during one relapse for 2 weeks and couldn't hack it at all - and it is hard for you and your wife, but thinking like this will drag you down.

Even wheelchair users can dance you know! I have seen some of my colleagues dance using their wheelchairs, great fun, there are ways around everything.

Everyone brings something to a relationship, no matter how little you feel you have to offer right now. I grew up with a Dad who was seriously mentally ill, still is, and I have to say that that was a situation where he should have left for the sake of the family and got some proper hellp. In your case, your body has changed, it's not doing what you want and need it to do, but you can still be 100% there for your wife and your relationship can be good....it's not dependent on legs that dance...........
Hope things are looking more hopeful soon, and keep talking Robbie.
:wink:
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Postby carolew » Tue May 08, 2007 4:32 am

Hey Robbie, I really feel what you are saying but please don't give up on your couple like that. This terrible disease may make you a stronger team in the end. I don't see me nor anyone else, alone with this awful illness. And there are some out there who would kill to have a supporting partner.
Hope your feelings will guide you. take care , Carole
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Postby robbie » Tue May 08, 2007 6:34 am

Hi Carolew, i feel very gratefull to have the love and support of my wife. If it wasen't for her i would not have made it this far. Other than the ms my life is so good, i just can't seem to deal with the future. I was talking to the nurse that comes to see me once and a while and told her that sometimes i feel guilty for being so down on the ms because i know their so many worse off, with ms and with other problems. It's like a teater totter with feeling sorry for yourself and thinking hey it could be so much worse . It's just that dealing with the problems of ms are mostly your own and it dosen't matter how much help or love you have it's just you and ms even though there are so many.I think that if i were to sit in a room full of people with ms, that for that time i wouldn't feel so alone but as soon as i leave and am surrounded by healthy people i become isolated because every move of a normal person is one i wish i could do.I guess thats why talking here feels so comfortable. They say that 3 people in Canada get ms every day, that makes me sad. I don't want this for anyone. I know that it will all end with a cure, right! :?:
Had ms for over 19 years now.
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Postby carolew » Wed May 09, 2007 4:18 pm

Hey Robbie, I am like you. I am jealous of how people walk around me or the joggers or the roller skaters. I dream that I am roller skating at night, it is so strange.
We are all in it together. I will hold your head up high and I hope you can hold mine back, take care. Carole
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Postby robbie » Thu May 10, 2007 12:03 pm

Hi Carolew, when i was taking LDN my dreams were even better, that is one thing that i could say about it , my dreams where more real. Even without it i still look forward to bed time. I seldom have ms when i dream it's great :) It's a good time to be a hockey fan in Ottawa or anywhere else in Canada for that matter.

GO SEN"s GO...Image
Had ms for over 19 years now.
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Postby carolew » Sat May 12, 2007 6:26 am

Yesssssssssss Go SENS GO !!!
This could be our year!
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Postby Loobie » Sat May 12, 2007 10:41 am

Yeaah,

You guys need to watch out for the Blue Jackets next year!





Riiiiiggghht...............
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Postby REDHAIRANDTEMPER » Mon May 14, 2007 3:00 pm

ROBBIE,
i get the feeling i think we all have them from time to time even when it comes down to our kids....but i always look at it this way...does my friends and family smile when i am around..am i happy when everyone is around..even when i am sick and havinga horrible day?so for me i leave it up to them...i am not going to make the choice for them....i tell them about my problems and after that they can make the choice...they know what might happen and stuff..i know if i was in their postion i would want to know what was wrong with them and make the choice myself..i would be upset if someone decided for me...so thats the way i have to look at it...its the only way i know how to deal with the issue..try and be in their shoes ....that or i would be going crazy thinking that i should just disappear. JUST MY TAKE BUT I THINK WE HAVE ALL BEEN THERE.

CHRIS
waiting for answers
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Postby jim4030 » Mon May 14, 2007 9:53 pm

i'm happy that you have realised that there is a gap in your relationship. you know your wife loves you and you love her too then what is the problem. it cost nothing to tell your wife daily that you love her. try this mantra.
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Postby robbie » Tue May 15, 2007 7:08 am

I don't know what to say, everything is great now. Thinking clearly and have a new found possitive attitude, praise the lord. Thanks for all your replys . rob
Had ms for over 19 years now.
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Postby Loobie » Wed May 16, 2007 4:41 pm

Robbie,

I'm glad to hear it. I am 41 too and I feel like that all the time; after all we are in "our primes". My wife finally said, "enough! It's my f***ing decision anyway." So I turned it over to her. I really can't control her reaction, but I was to the point where I was afraid to even express anger towards her for fear she would leave (that was all me projecting). She is the one who reminds me about the in sickness and in health part of our vows. It's tough to keep your self worth up with a progressive disease. Hell, I even went through a phase where I felt responsible for my MS. Once I pulled back from that and realized I DID NOT bring this on myself, it was quite liberating.

I am very glad that you are feeling better. When you have a bad attitude you don't post as much and I love your posts! Keep up the good work man. You deserve to be loved.

Lew
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