Dating Venting

A forum to talk about the general challenges of daily life with MS.

Dating Venting

Postby thinkingoutloud86 » Sat Sep 22, 2007 1:56 am

I know these forums are often best used for discourse on medications...symptoms...and, a host of other relevant material...however, sometimes i need to use it to get something out of my system...as well as support...and, i guess that is what i am using it for today...

tonight i was faced with a topic that i wrote about a 1/2 year ago...at that time, I was pretty down after an early relationship didn't work out...although the MS may have had a minor role, the reality is that I panicked...freaked out...and, sabotaged the potential relationship...well...i just did it again tonight...was on a date with another woman who i've gone out with a few times and we seemed to be hitting it off...on so many levels...but, i have suchfears of abandonment (which are sky high since the MS), I ended up pressing her on issues of hers that i could see feeding into my fears...and, she was real upset by the end and i'm fairly certain it is over...

it is as if i can date women i don't have any feelings about and not worry about it...but, these days, if it is someone i find myself liking, i fuck it up...and, i'm left down and despondent afterwards...

as i said, i know there are more salient issues...i just needed to get this off of my chest

thanks for reading for those of you who have taken the time,

TOL
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Postby carolew » Sat Sep 22, 2007 8:33 am

Dear TOL,
You have to try to learn from your mistakes. Maybe you could see a psychologist to try to help yourself first and then try again on other dates.
You could also contact this person and apologize, explaining that you have issues and that you WILL take care of them yourself.
Just my view on it, wish you a lot of inner strength and courage. Carole
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Postby jimmylegs » Sat Sep 22, 2007 9:02 am

i hear you TOL, i'm kind of easing out of a 9-year relationship here and it's so weird, i think you're brave just for dating at all. it is odd to contemplate the future when have a dx like this, i can sort of understand why you're sabotaging. hope you can work through it all right :)
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Postby thinkingoutloud86 » Sat Sep 22, 2007 1:42 pm

Carole and 'Legs-

Thanks for the support. .Hopefully, I am not a downer to your or others with this type of talk. Last night when I wrote the post, i was pretty amped up. I literally had just come home from the date. Still feel a little down today, but better.

Carole...thanks for the idea about therapy...that may be a good route to look into in the future.

'Legs...good luck with working through your process...it can't be easy working one's way out of a 9 year relationship.

best to all,

TOL
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Postby AllyB » Sat Sep 22, 2007 1:50 pm

Hey TOL

Sounds like you have a lot of insight into what happens to you - when you like the woman, you are suddenly at risk and vulnerable to being hurt. If you are not emotionally engaged, there is no risk, so no problem.

This crappy disease makes all of us suffer from fear of abandonment or feelings of worthlessness/poor self esteem at times, so it is possible that we may be more open to being hurt than "well" folks - and the best defence is offence....! Hence your reaction.
Understanding is half the battle, and you have that already. I hope i am not being too presumptious here but it sounds as if you are so frustrated because you want a deeper relationship with someone who matters to you, but the risk seems too great. I hope that you will work through this in time (with or without help) and you will eventually see that the benefit out-weighs the risk - sometimes! It is much safer not toput yourself out there, but can get lonely - it's a toss-up.It might not be too late with this lady if you confide in her the reasons for the way you acted - she must have liked you too and may be willing to us ethis to bring you closer. If not, there is always the next time, when you feel more ready.
I really hope that you aren't too hard on yourself about this - we are all humans and all make mistakes, and having MS makes EVERYTHING so much harder - give your self a break. I think most of us sabotage something we really want - shoot ourselves in the foot, so to speak, and then get really down about it later - I can relate.

Take care and all the best
Al
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Postby thinkingoutloud86 » Sat Sep 22, 2007 3:31 pm

Ally-

You are not presumptuous...and, you are accurate re: what I would like...prior to the disease, I had a history of lengthy relationships with women who were pretty good "catches"...these days, I can still get my "foot in the door", so to speak (my disease is still relatively invisible to others)...but, nothing has lasted over a month or two...and, i've had MS for about 3 years now...

I was hard on myself. This gal seemed to be a pretty good person...had qualities that I really liked..when my buttons started getting pushed and I had a couple of drinks in me, i didn't handle it well...while in some ways, I would like to have told her about the MS...and we seemed to be hitting it off well up to that point...we had only been on several dates...since i've had this disease, i haven't reached a point where i felt secure enough to share it with someone that i was romantically involved with...and to be honest, i think it would be crushing if I told someone and they said "see ya later"...

thanks again for your words/support...while i don't have this figured out yet, it is nice to know that there are others willing to listen

TOL
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Postby jimmylegs » Mon Sep 24, 2007 3:40 pm

k i'm getting in on the venting. aghh i don't even know what to say it's just ouchy.
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Postby thinkingoutloud86 » Mon Sep 24, 2007 4:49 pm

'legs...care to elaborate?
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Postby jimmylegs » Mon Sep 24, 2007 6:20 pm

i don't know... i can't type about it without making my x sound like way more of an ass than deserved, i tried to type it out but it just doesn't post right
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Postby thinkingoutloud86 » Mon Sep 24, 2007 7:52 pm

while i don't expect much to come out of it, i sent the gal (that was the basis for the start of this post) some flowers with an apology...she should get it tomorrow evening...to be honest, i doubt that i will hear back from her (the dating world is generally not a forgiving world), but at least, it made me feel better

'legs...if you feel as if you're being disloyal about venting to a lot of people in the public domain, you can send something directly to me...that may be a little easier...

TOL
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Postby REDHAIRANDTEMPER » Tue Sep 25, 2007 6:26 am

was reading this yesturday and understand what every one is going thru..it sucks to try and date...and yes ya throw a wall up or do something to make sure they dont get to close cause of this issue....i had been dating a guy for two yrs when i realized one day that if things got worse for me he wouldnt be there...i had seen the signs but didnt want to believe it or just wanted to avoid..not sure which one....so we broke up....man was that bad,,it doesnt make ya want to go out and date again thats for sure.cause when i thought about it who would stick around and want to help out or deal with everything specially with me still waiting on the offical diagnotis....so didnt date for awhile...then one day i was talking to a friend of mine and there it was..the guy for me...he knows everything just cause we were friends and wants to help me and wants to make sure everything that can be done for me is..weird i have to admit so use to dealing with all this by myself but i find it has lifted some of the weight off me..he knows when i am having a tough time and does what ever he can to make things better....i guess the best thing is just hope and keep going at one point in time the right one will come along and ya might not even notice it until they are there all the time...point of my story over the weekend he asked me to marry me...me the one who has no idea what my problem it...(well we all know what it is its just taking its own sweet time showing itself all the way)i wish you well and i think it was a very sweet thing to send her flowers cause most guys would have just left it as is....trust me that will help....okay i am done blabbing...loll.

chris
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Postby jimmylegs » Tue Sep 25, 2007 9:10 am

that's so nice chris, congrats! that should be encouraging to some of the rest of us single emmessy self-deprecators :)

well anyway, yea, it sucks when you have to break up with someone because you know they're not committed, meanwhile you are, and the only reason you can break it off is because it is so very, very clearly a one way street and you shouldn't put up with that.

and then suppose they turn around one day and become all nice and friendly and supportive now that you're "just friends" and there's no "obligation" it's so... mean, in a way. you know, just hypothetically speaking... grrr...
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Postby REDHAIRANDTEMPER » Tue Sep 25, 2007 10:33 am

when it came down to it i knew he would never be there for me..i finally got it down to one question to ask him and i asked my fiance the same thing....i asked my ex if i had to go into the hosptial and was there for a week or so then needed help at home would you take off of work...his response was well i would need dates and then i would find out from work...i said your kidding me right you would ask work..ya wouldnt tell them listen my girlfriend is in the hosptial and needs some help at home and i am taking time off perioid..now my ex is one of those guys who would tell them off about where they are sending him when it came to picking things off to when he said that i knew he wasnt going to be there for me..my fiance said to the same question..wouldnt think twice would be off and at the hsoptial everyday and at home with you until you were better..i asked him what about work he said work it just work and family is far more important...so thats when i knew....so that is something i will be keeping in mind when it comes to other people and situations....keep your head up....cause if ya dont you tend to run into walls..lol..or at least i do...sorry had to make a joke....

chris
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Postby thinkingoutloud86 » Tue Sep 25, 2007 3:56 pm

chris-

let me begin by saying congrats!...what wonderful news...sounds like this guy is a real quality person...have you set a date?

also, it adds some cautious hope hearing this sort of story...

btw...where in wisconsin are you...i'm in the Mpls/St. Paul area...

TOL
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Postby REDHAIRANDTEMPER » Wed Sep 26, 2007 6:02 am

well thank you very much and yes it makes thing better for me..at least i know that it can happen and i hope it happens for everyone.....i live in milwaukee...like it here...of course i wish the weather would make up its mind.....hope everything goes well for you and you will have to let us know if she calls you back after getting the flowers..if she doesnt then its her loss....you going out of your way to say your sorry for something that if she understands thing will understand why it happened and will call you and talk....but heck thats just my opion...lol...
no date yet we are talking about excaping and going to get married without everyone around...so dont know yet...

chris
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