My husband doesn't understand me

For questions on how to support loved ones with MS.

My husband doesn't understand me

Postby Kquestions » Tue Aug 14, 2012 1:55 am

I need help, my husband has been to the appointments, but is still stressing me out about my obligations and duties as a wife. I am now pregnant, feeling depressed and feeling a lot of pressure, to be perfect.

I know how frustrating it can be for him, he helps, not very much, but he does what he can.
He acts like does everything,but nothing ever really gets done, around the house.
He refuses to hire a maid.
He lashes out, instead of just talking.

I am blue in the face, with having to say, " I am pregnant and have MS," and he is tired of hearing it.

How can I make him understand,that I am not:

1. Being Lazy
2. Being Dramatic
3.Lying
4.Faking it

The early doctor, said "I was crazy and it was all "in my head"

he seemed upset, but seemed to take it at value.

Then I had an epileptic like seizure and was again diagnosed for about the sixth time.

He wasn't there when that happened, no value was taken, it seemed, when I mentioned it.

How do I make him understand?
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Re: My husband doesn't understand me

Postby jimmylegs » Tue Aug 14, 2012 4:38 am

wow sorry to hear about your hubby's attitude. he doesn't sound like the type you'll be able to convince from talks with just the two of you. any remote chance of a counsellor or mediator, a third-party professional? for you at very least, if not for both of you?

anyway. remind me where we were (if anywhere) on the nutrition front. since you're pregnant, you'll likely need even more therapeutic nutrient inputs than the average mal- or mis- nourished ms patient. testing will be even more important, too.
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Re: My husband doesn't understand me

Postby JustinOverdorf » Tue Aug 14, 2012 9:12 am

I agree with Jimmy. We just had our first child about 4 months ago. (My wife is the one diagnosed) Being on that side of the stick it gets very easy to forget someone is even sick because the disease is not right there in front of them. On most days, even the good ones, your likely exhausted from just carrying the extra weight. First things first. Like Jimmy said councelling is prime here. Opening lines of communication is what is going to be your saving grace. Both of you are in a weird spot because he doesn't know what to do. He, I'm sure, is saying to him self "I didn't sign up for this, but I love my wife and what to stay with her." Dealing with a life long illness is never an easy thing especially something like MS where you progress slowly in it for most diagnosed. Something you may want to think about is to go through a second opinion with him. Keep him involved in the process. That will hopefully help with the belief part that you actually have it. You can't fake a spinal tap. You can't fake a MRI. Those are just 2 things that Dr.s used to identify the disease so he should realize that the Dr's arn't just doing some magical voodoo and then saying "This is what you have". Make sure you take care of your self and your child first. Keep yourself stress free, as hard as it is, is very very important not only for maintaining a good birth plan, but for the disease as well. Good Luck!
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Re: My husband doesn't understand me

Postby Kquestions » Sat Aug 25, 2012 5:24 am

Thank you for the replies.

Unfortunately I got stressed out, and was bed ridden for two weeks straight.
Yesterday and today were a complete failure of getting back on my feet.
My husband, saw how sick I was and started backing off a little, and helping out a lot making sandwiches and doing a couple of dishes, but two weeks is two weeks.
I believe it is wearing on him, because we got into a fight yesterday, about the same thing.
It seemed to dissipate in the evening, because of my sadness about the issues, and everything seems to be okay for now.
He is a trooper for hanging in there.
Therapy is out, it is just this push and pull right now.
He gets me severely stressed out, I exacerbate.
He tones it down, and then we are back at it again, after I am a tad well.
It's a cycle, but sadly, I will hope he will realize, and maybe start understanding.
I know how hard it is on him, and I think like most of you said:

"It's an "invisible" disease"

I do not blame him, I think it is very hard on him to see me suffer, and being helpless to stop it.
I think that is why reacts so negatively and gets so frustrated.

I think it's going to take a lot of time, and a lot of push and pull.

Nutrition:
I try to stay away from foods that take my body a long time to digest, and work harder on digesting.
I have been eating fruits and vegetables, rarely for the past two weeks, because I cannot keep from passing out when I leave the house, and am on my feet for a couple of hours and the heat.
My husband is out of the house for 15 hours a day +, so these two weeks I have been trying to stay nutritional through take out, because I cannot cook in my condition, and neither can my husband.

I am working on it, it's just going to be a long patient road ahead.

Thank you
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Re: My husband doesn't understand me

Postby Razgo » Mon Aug 27, 2012 11:05 pm

Hi, i dont suggest counciling but each to their own :)

I care for my wife 24/7 since 1996. There is no easy answer and as you have already said your husband is now only just realising how sick you actually are.

The best advice i can give to your husband is he has to cross that thresshold of of accepting the fact that when you say "your too tired" to do x,y,z he just has to accept it and deal with it at every turn your MS takes.

There is no other way. It's an attitude adjustment unlike no other that has ever been experienced before. It is a total life changing event.

And thats a total life changing event for both of you not just him.

My wife used to faint a lot too when she was going down hill fast. she would be in the shower and then "clunk"! hit the floor passed out.

Have you suggessted to him to read some of the posts on MS websites about what people are going through to get a better understanding of it?

IF i could talk to your husband direct as i did to another husband recenlty i would simply say , To live life the best you can now on a daily bases and treasure the time you have now with each other.

And whatever your wife says or feels you need to accept it and acknowledge it even if you don't understand it or it frustrates you. Then try and focus on any positives you can and move forward. Life is too short to be mad and angry all the time.

Eat healthy to help cope with the days you do get sick on and live each day the best you can.

russ
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