Infidelity because of MS?

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Infidelity because of MS?

Postby nuftin » Fri Jun 21, 2013 11:48 am

This is my first time to this forum, so forgive me if I am either posting in the wrong place, or shouldn't be posting here at all.

I am a boyfriend of a woman who has been living with MS for 12 years now. We began dating almost 9 years ago, so since about our third date (she says she didn't want to scare me off by telling me right away) I have known about the ups and downs that come with the disease. She does have RRMS so there are plenty of each. At first I knew nothing about MS, but after she told me I read every book I could find, website I could search for, etc, until I felt like I had all of the information needed to help her along the way. After I found out what it was, how it manifested itself and how to be a caregiver, I found that there was nothing I could hope for more in my life than to help her with her journey through her life. Our life. And right away we were tested. About 6 months after dating she had a sever episode where she was forced to quit her job, couldn't see for a few weeks, walk for a few months, etc. Every morning I would call her and ask her how she felt that day. Can't feel arms. Eyeballs won't stop spinning in my head. Whatever it was that day, I made sure to visit her at her parent's house to cheer her up. If she could open her eyes, I would take her to the movies. If she couldn't, I made us dinner and we just sat on her bed and talked about how terrible it was at that moment, but how, no matter how it felt at the moment, it would get better. After that first episode she has been doing very well. She got on her current treatment and is not having any major issues. Day to day stuff, but nothing that puts her out of commission for days or weeks at a time. Well, fast forward to last month. I found out she has been cheating on me with a guy from her work. She hid it at first, or course, but there were too many signs. strange texts int he middle of the night. Calls that she didn't take because "we're watching TV, I don't want to interrupt". Then it really hit me when she was texting her brother a lot while I was driving us somewhere. They were planning a vacation together. Well, in the middle of this, her brother texted me asked if we wanted to have dinner together. I asked why he didn't just ask her himself since they were texting and he said he had not talked to her in weeks. She confessed. They had been flirting for weeks, and doing "more" for a while also. She says she does it because he is "new and exciting". But the part that bothers me most is she said that right now she feels great and wants to go out and do all the things she couldn't do when she was younger. I asked if she wanted to grow old with this other guy, and she said that it was just fun. Nothing long term, but wouldn't stop either. I asked her what was so bad about our life together, and her response was "nothing, but I just feel trapped". What happened? She continues to see this guy on the side. Nothing physical, just inappropriate pictures and VERY flirty texts.

Even now, a month later, I still cannot see myself not being her companion through life. I still wake up every morning and make her lunch because I know she won't be able to because of the time it takes her to shower and get ready for work. Every evening I make dinner because she always cuts herself, burns herself, or something worse when she tries to cook. Everything I do is either for the family (2 dogs and 3 cats) or to make her life easier. I have been told that I should stop doing some of these things because it makes her feel less independent, but I asked her and she said it stresses her out if I don't at least offer to help, so I do. I never do anything without asking if she needs me to do it that day.

Do you think there is any hope that what we are going through is in any way normal for someone living with MS, and their significant other?
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Re: Infidelity because of MS?

Postby Anonymoose » Fri Jun 21, 2013 3:46 pm

Um. What she is doing is so selfish and hurtful. She is clearly not the one for you. What she is showing is not love. Its narcissism. Leave her while you can (ie she is still independent). You deserve better than that.

MS does not take away morals or love. I'm so sorry for what you are going through.
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Re: Infidelity because of MS?

Postby CureOrBust » Fri Jun 21, 2013 5:18 pm

Her infidelity is her choice, not her MS. Now its your choice if you want to be in an open relationship.
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Re: Infidelity because of MS?

Postby aredmosquito » Fri Jun 21, 2013 6:03 pm

Please do not chalk up her complete lack of respect for your feelings or relationship to her MS. She chose to cheat, MS did not make her. My MS has never caused me to cheat, nor has it made me cold and hurtful.

You have a tough choice to make. Keep your head up.
Symptoms as far back as 2007
Diagnosed with RRMS March 2013
Started Rebif May 2013
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Re: Infidelity because of MS?

Postby CureOrBust » Fri Jun 21, 2013 10:07 pm

Everyone is different.

If I knew 10 years ago that I wouldn't be able to run or dance anymore, I would of done it every day. So, maybe something similar is driving her choices, maybe not.

However, infidelity is NOT a symptom of MS no matter how you cut it. Its who she is.
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Re: Infidelity because of MS?

Postby merlin26 » Sat Jun 22, 2013 2:58 am

I'm just going to give it to you straight man since I've been in a similar situation. She's not the one that's trapped you are. This woman knows that you'll do anything for her and you've already proven as much. She feels she can get away with this behavior because she has you hooked, line, and sinker and knows you're not going to go anywhere despite what she does. What you need to do then is either show her you're strong enough to move on or classify the relationship as "open / casual" and begin dating other people yourself. I guarantee you it's more than just flirting, photos, and texts. As a guy you should know that no male would ever settle for photos, flirting, and texts. That's not how we're built either biologically / psychologically. Don't be the pushover she most likely sees you as. Be strong enough to say enough is enough and move on. I know you love her but love is based on mutual respect and understanding. The fact of the matter is cheaters cheat and liars lie and living happily ever after is just a fairy tale fantasy. Good luck and be strong.
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Re: Infidelity because of MS?

Postby jimmylegs » Sat Jun 22, 2013 4:59 am

well said merlin and everyone. ms is not a license to abuse.
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Re: Infidelity because of MS?

Postby nuftin » Mon Jun 24, 2013 6:21 am

I am a very logical person (I think anyway), and I want to believe that she is done, but it is just hard. It's hard to wake up next to her and not want to pop right up and make sure her shot is ready to go, her lunch is made and she has a healthy breakfast waiting for her. In my mind, this is a passing phase. Something that is just happening because she is not having any symptoms other than her normal everyday aches, pains and dizziness. If she were ever to start feeling bad again, this would all stop and she would be with just me. I don't want an open relationship or whatever they are called now. I want my girlfriend back from the arms of this slime ball who took her away from me.

Has anyone here ever cheated on their spouse? Was it because you were empowered by something? I am trying to understand why. If it is for no reason, there is nothing I can do and I will either have to learn do deal with being "one of the boyfriends" or walk away. Otherwise, maybe there is a chance.
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Re: Infidelity because of MS?

Postby jimmylegs » Mon Jun 24, 2013 6:45 am

if you're like me you'll put up with crap for way too long, envisioning an imaginary ideal life 'if only' this and that. and then kick yourself for wasting your own time later. and i'm not even talking about the level of crap you're dealing with. even though my situation was not as bad, it still wasn't worth hanging on for.
if you require illness for a successful relationship, I think the term for that is codependence. my 2c, neglect or abuse is the coward's way of communicating the breakup. it's up to you how you act on the message. it is entirely up to you what you want for yourself. but without knowing either of you or hearing her side of the story, from the outside looking in I would tend to vote for you not putting up with her crap.
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Re: Infidelity because of MS?

Postby merlin26 » Mon Jun 24, 2013 2:43 pm

Why would you want to be with someone who is only willing to be faithful to you when she's sick? I mean you claim to be a logical person but what you've stated in the aforementioned is illogical. If she's not willing to be faithful and respectful towards you as a partner when she's healthy then what's the point? I mean it's equally odd that you're willing to wait for her condition to worsen again just so you can revert back to the way things were. You need to stop making excuses for her and move on. You can't place all your eggs in one basket. It makes you look weak and easily manipulated and taken advantage of. As Woody Harrelson once said "Time to nut-up or shut-up."
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Re: Infidelity because of MS?

Postby CureOrBust » Tue Jun 25, 2013 4:10 am

This reminds me of the old story of the scorpion and the frog.
One day there was a flood, which cut off a small mound from everything else. This mound had a scorpion and a frog on it. The water started to rise further, and the mound above water got smaller.

The scorpion asked the frog to carry him to the dry land. The frog is afraid of being stung during the trip, but the scorpion argues that if it stung the frog, the frog would sink and he the scorpion would drown.

The frog agrees and begins carrying the scorpion, but midway across the river, the scorpion does indeed sting the frog, dooming them both.

As they went down, the frog turned to the scorpion and asked. "Why did you sting me, now we will both die"

The scorpion replied "I am a scorpion, what did you expect"
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Re: Infidelity because of MS?

Postby nuftin » Thu Jun 27, 2013 8:04 am

Ok, ok. I am weak. I understand that. I need to move on. I get that too. But how? I have loved this woman for so long, I have been doing MS related events for so long, spending every waking moment being in love for so long.... I signed up for the MS Challenge Walk in DC again this year. So is she. How am I going to be there and not have a high school like melt down? I may have lost my soulmate, but how do I keep going? I supposed these are questions for another forum, but has anybody here had to make that decision? I don't have MS, but it is a VERY major part of my life, and I don't want that to change. I love volunteering at the Texas MS 150 bike event. I love the DC Challenge Walk. Heck, I even love the little, local Addison 5k in the spring. I guess I just feel lost, like I want to cry, have a nervous breakdown and throw up pretty much all the time lately. But on the bright side, I have lost 45 pounds in the past 2 months. It's just really, really hard to think about life if the only reason I want to live isn't there anymore.....
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Re: Infidelity because of MS?

Postby ScottSD » Sun Jul 28, 2013 11:50 am

Last update was a month ago. Any update Nuftin?
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Re: Infidelity because of MS?

Postby THX1138 » Mon Jul 29, 2013 8:18 pm

I love volunteering at the Texas MS 150 bike event. I love the DC Challenge Walk. Heck, I even love the little, local Addison 5k in the spring.


Nuftin, it sounds like you enjoy challenging yourself, helping others, and exercising.

I wish you well
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Re: Infidelity because of MS?

Postby mpalla » Mon Aug 26, 2013 6:12 pm

God bless you Nutfin! Yes...the cycle of abuse and misuse is evident. My husband of 12 years and the man who raised my son...and I took care of, straightened up his past is leaving. He was great the first few months after original diagnosis is unhappy...when I am sick I may sleep half the day and me not working.
Last edited by mpalla on Fri Apr 25, 2014 7:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Diagnosed 2-13-13. RRMS.
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