Newly Dating a man with MS

For questions on how to support loved ones with MS.

Newly Dating a man with MS

Postby DCWyo » Fri Jun 20, 2014 7:46 pm

I have recently started dating a man with MS. He is in a wheel chair most of the time.
It does not bother me in the least that he has MS, but I do have some questions.

1.On our first date, he explained to me that he was unable to cut his toenails, so I cut them for him.
Should I wait for him to ask for help or offer to help before he asks?
2.Our relationship is starting to get serious.
What should I expect for the future with him having MS?
3.The other day, he was really exhausted.
What can I do to help on days like that?

Any help or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you. *smiles*
DCWyo
Newbie
 
Posts: 1
Joined: Fri Jun 20, 2014 7:33 pm

Advertisement

Postby Choupinette » Sun Jun 29, 2014 12:04 pm

Dear One,

Question 1: Ask him this question! :)
Question 2: You will not have a normal life. You will be a caregiver and a nurse more than a wife or partner. With no time off. It will get worse and worse. You will grieve all the way. You will have to summon up tons of energy to prop your partner up, and prop yourself up too. You can kiss your social life good bye, unless you belong to one of those tight-knit churches where members actually help each other. People will simply be unable to understand what it's like for you. Your life will be centered around the disease, especially as it progresses (and it will). Is this really what you want? Think hard, very hard about it. Unless you want to devote yourself totally selflessly to this man ... you are not getting into a relationship, you are undertaking a mission.
Question 3: As long as his needs are met, nothing.

I am sorry to have to tell it like it is, I wish you well.
Choupinette
Newbie
 
Posts: 9
Joined: Sun Jun 29, 2014 11:37 am

Re: Newly Dating a man with MS

Postby Choupinette » Sun Jun 29, 2014 12:43 pm

I'm adding a .pdf created by the MS society about caregivers for people who have MS, that will give you an idea of what may be in store for you:

http://www.nationalmssociety.org/Nation ... milies.pdf

Maybe things will not get too bad ... but I wouldn't count on it. That's what they tell you and that's what you want to believe, but things don't generally turn out that way.

Best to you on your journey.
Choupinette
Newbie
 
Posts: 9
Joined: Sun Jun 29, 2014 11:37 am

Re: Newly Dating a man with MS

Postby DougL » Mon Jun 30, 2014 5:04 am

1.On our first date, he explained to me that he was unable to cut his toenails, so I cut them for him.
Should I wait for him to ask for help or offer to help before he asks?

- IMO its a combination of both. if you always offer before he asks he may feel useless. he also may be too proud to ask. i suspect you will fall into a routine and do just fine

2.Our relationship is starting to get serious.
What should I expect for the future with him having MS?

- IMO no one can answer that except you. i suggest you learn everything you can about MS and about being the partner of person with MS. joining this site was a great start.

a good place for an answer is by comparing this first date to others you have had. i bet this is the first date that included nail clipping

one thing for sure is that it won't be normal and it won't be easy but MS does not exclude you from a long loving relationship (google Meredith Vieira)


3.The other day, he was really exhausted.
What can I do to help on days like that?

- IMO unfortunately not much except what you asked in number 1 - offer to help before he asks. i make sure my wife knows it is okay to go to bed for the day or two days or whatever it takes.



welcome to TIMS. i wish you all the best.

when i first started to learn about MS i read a list of do's and don'ts from this site. it really affected me and when i showed my wife she said it was the best explaination of how she feels.


MS Dos and Don’ts

Don't assume that because I look well, I feel well.

Don't say, "I know how you feel.'

Don't tell me about someone else and how well they coped. I'm doing the best I can.

Don't tell me, "It could be worse" I don't need reminding

Don't decide what I am capable of doing. Allow me to make those decisions.

Don't be upset that you cannot ease my problems. It won't do any good for both of us to be miserable.

Don't ask me how I feel unless you really want to know.

Don't assume that because I did a certain activity yesterday, I can do it today.

Don't tell me about the latest fad cure.

Do realize that I am angry and frustrated with the disease, not with you.

Do let me know you are available to help me when I ask.

Do offer me lots of encouragement.

Do understand why I cancel plans at the last minute. I never know from one day to the next how I will feel.

Do continue to invite me to activities. Just because I'm not able to ride bike along with the gang, doesn't mean I can't join you for the picnic at the end of the trail. Please let me decide.
User avatar
DougL
Family Elder
 
Posts: 372
Joined: Mon Jul 11, 2011 3:00 pm

Re: Newly Dating a man with MS

Postby Choupinette » Mon Jun 30, 2014 9:07 am

One thing I forgot to ask, very important for you to find out : is it the Progressive kind, or the Relapsing/Remitting? It makes a big, big difference. You'll find out that Progressive is totally not on the radar for *any* medication.
Choupinette
Newbie
 
Posts: 9
Joined: Sun Jun 29, 2014 11:37 am

Re: Newly Dating a man with MS

Postby misslux » Sat Jul 05, 2014 2:48 pm

My experience only:

1. Ask him what he prefers -- if you offer or if he asks :)

2. Hard to say really without knowing him. People with RRMS are generally a lot more physically functioning for a lot longer than people with PPMS. I have the latter.

3. Ask him what you can help him with.

Good luck! :)
misslux
Family Member
 
Posts: 37
Joined: Fri Jul 04, 2014 7:26 pm
Location: Canada, eh!


Return to Friends and Family

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users


Contact us | Terms of Service