im burning mad right now!

[jaymetal]

i just need to know what in the world i can do to be of any support to my sister who has within the last year been diagnosed with MS!! What causes me such anger and rage is the fact that with this disease, she is also an alcoholic. Its never a joy to hear from her these days. She lives in another state, yet she still calls. What i fear is i do not know if i hear the disease talking or the booze.... she stumbles on her words, repeats herself, and just generally pisses me off!! I'm sick of people that have a disease yet does little to aid in its taking over. She moans she has no one to talk with or who cares about her life or symptoms and yaddy yaddy. I wouldn't mind listening to anything she had to say if i knew it came from a sober mouth with sober intent!! she knows this because i have blown up about this situation with her. She is so quick to pick out my faults, yet she can't seem to remember that she is the one with the problem... I don't know what to do anymore. She gets put on different meds and then i wonder how well is this going to work when the body is also fighting addiction while swimming in beer... whats the use??? i am about ready to wash my hands with it all. I am removing all people in my life that are toxic to me anymore and that includes just about everyone out here today... I can't handle ignorance well and i am sick of those that create and cause drama where drama needn't be... If you want to see and hear that friggin stuff go to the tv and watch that worthless housewives of beverly hills. Empty heads breed empty minds. But hey, each his own. If people want mindless and to be ignorant who am i to stop them?? Just don't involve me with the crap! I just can't deal with this.. I don't know what to say anymore that would make a difference to her. She won't remember it anyway. I try and read up on the subject so i have some inkling what is going on, but after doing so, what can i do??? Anyway, i am done. I am about ready to end all of it once and for all .. Cutting off yet another uh, so called relationship.

[ElliotB]

"what can i do??"

You are in a difficult situation. But however hard it is for you, your sister is in a more difficult one. The best thing you can do at this point is just to be a good listener, don't criticize and do not offer advise. Again, be supportive/polite and be a good listener.

[lyndacarol]

i just need to know what in the world i can do to be of any support to my sister who has within the last year been diagnosed with MS!! What causes me such anger and rage is the fact that with this disease, she is also an alcoholic. Its never a joy to hear from her these days. She lives in another state, yet she still calls. What i fear is i do not know if i hear the disease talking or the booze.... she stumbles on her words, repeats herself, and just generally pisses me off!! I'm sick of people that have a disease yet does little to aid in its taking over. She moans she has no one to talk with or who cares about her life or symptoms and yaddy yaddy. I wouldn't mind listening to anything she had to say if i knew it came from a sober mouth with sober intent!! she knows this because i have blown up about this situation with her. She is so quick to pick out my faults, yet she can't seem to remember that she is the one with the problem... I don't know what to do anymore. She gets put on different meds and then i wonder how well is this going to work when the body is also fighting addiction while swimming in beer... whats the use??? i am about ready to wash my hands with it all. I am removing all people in my life that are toxic to me anymore and that includes just about everyone out here today... I can't handle ignorance well and i am sick of those that create and cause drama where drama needn't be... If you want to see and hear that friggin stuff go to the tv and watch that worthless housewives of beverly hills. Empty heads breed empty minds. But hey, each his own. If people want mindless and to be ignorant who am i to stop them?? Just don't involve me with the crap! I just can't deal with this.. I don't know what to say anymore that would make a difference to her. She won't remember it anyway. I try and read up on the subject so i have some inkling what is going on, but after doing so, what can i do??? Anyway, i am done. I am about ready to end all of it once and for all .. Cutting off yet another uh, so called relationship.

Welcome to ThisIsMS, jaymetal.

ElliotB offers wise words. It is so hard to be dispassionate and cool-headed when faced with an emotional situation involving someone close to us. I think your "anger and rage" is the result of feeling helpless to fix her problems. I would only add this to ElliottB's suggestion… Take a deep breath, try to remain calm when she calls, and be a good listener when she feels "she has no one to talk to or cares about her life…" Maybe a counselor, minister, or a good friend would be helpful to her… or to you. Please realize that when the phone conversation with your sister ends, you can go back to normal living – your sister doesn't. She lives with her problems 24/7.

The things your sister does that are upsetting to you – stumbling on her words, repeating herself, forgetfulness, maybe even the drinking – could well be part of her MS diagnosis.

With the mention of drinking and alcohol, I would also add: alcoholic beverages deplete vitamin B12. B12 deficiency often has symptoms similar to MS symptoms. Many different medications also deplete B12 – it may be that some of prescription meds she has been put on are even contributing to this problem – even lots of common OTC drugs like antacids and Nexium and others will decrease B12. Her problems may be complicated by MS, alcoholism, but also by a vitamin B12 deficiency.

I would hope that her doctor is monitoring her B12 level – this cannot be done effectively with the outdated, inaccurate "serum B12" test alone. Thorough testing should include a homocysteine test as well as a methylmalonic acid test.

Dealing with your sister is aggravating, I know; don't let her pull you into an emotional exchange. Hard as it is, try to stay detached. When you need to vent (and we ALL do at times), please come to ThisIsMS – we try to "practice what we preach" – in general, we are good listeners. I don't believe that ending the relationship will make you feel good about yourself down the road. We don't want you to be in long-term counseling because of this.

[1eye]

I have MS. It has been known to affect me on occasion, cognitively. The biggest effect on my thinking is more emotional. It depends a lot on which side is affected. Many with MS have emotional problems: enough to cause suicide. The brain is damaged. Effects on the mind are inevitable. Speech is also affected, and slurring is to be expected. Since I have had MS, I have avoided some people, but the vast majority avoid me, because it is hard to connect with a broken mind, and most people either can't or won't try. Once a person with MS's losses have been noticed by a healthy person, they find it hard to trust their own eyes and ears, especially when it comes to the affected person, because it is hard to gauge when it is the 'MS talking'. That is not an issue for some people, but it is for me. That's because I have damage on the right side of my brain. I can think clearly. Emotions are less trustworthy. I have fewer problems speaking (although my volume level is very low) but I am having more trouble swallowing lately. I can't use my left side much. Can't walk, play guitar (I used to be good), sing, drive, write. Just minor things like that. After a lifetime of learning, my body forgot, and I flunked the exam.

Read Hemingway's "The Old Man And The Sea" and see how he felt about getting sick. It is hard for anyone to take if it is them that are doing the suffering. It is easy to think you are alone, the only one who is affected. Try to understand. MS is unpredictable. Sometimes the only thing you can count on is that you could never have dreamed how hard it could get. It's easy to get dramatic about. On top of that it is hard sometimes to control emotions. You have unwanted laughing and crying, emotions that have no basis in reality, but look and sound to everyone else, like they are real. One thing to know is that it is not just MS. It can happen to anyone who has a stroke. If you have been able to get around it yourself, you will have less trouble helping your own family and friends deal with it when it happens to you. Believe it or not, it is one of the few conditions that can actually be helped by drinking.

Don't throw out the baby with the bathwater. Let the doctors be the only fools who have given up hope.

It's a really bad message to hear. Don't kill the messenger. But yeah it does make you mad. Very.

[jaymetal]

Thank you for your considerate and well articulated response. Just listening to your quiet thoughts, i would never gather that you have any issue at all. You express yourself eloquently and i mean that.

I wish to say to all that have responded, that its not my sister, its not even the disease, but it is the alcohol that i just cannot tolerate! Alcoholism has branched out and torn a path of destruction much to the likes of the recent Nepal disaster. Many have not come out alive. Many turned to worse. Meaning drug addiction as well. My father died at 45. I have witnessed the violence that is often accompanied with drugs and alcohol abuse. I can no longer sit idly by and listen to and deal with such an emotional twisted and complex disease all in itself. I, thank god, never got drawn in. I have never had an issue or even need a drink. Then to see my younger sister who is already being wrecked by this wicked disease MS, I then am reminded of the other disease that is so rampant. I have no ill will towards her at all. If she had the inclination to call me up in her clearest of mind and talk about issues and things related to this horrible condition, i would be more than willing to listen and just let it spill out. I would welcome it in fact. But realizing that the only time she seems to think of me or wants to talk is when she has had a six pack in her, really infuriates me. I want things different. I have to safe guard my own life as well. Watching people prematurely destroy there lives is not my forte. I do want things to evolve on a more peaceful degree whatever happens. I don't want to see things take a turn down a worse road. So, maybe just a suggestion on how to make that happen.

Thank you.

Thank ALL of you!

[Scott1]

What to do? I think that is your question.
It wouldn’t matter if it was MS or alcoholism or any other affliction, I think your frustration would be just as palpable if the connection you want with your sister is missing. I can’t tell from your note how the rest of your family are entwined in this so I’ll presume that it’s just the two of you. If there are others then that may be a starting point or it may not.

You live a long way from her. Why do you form your conclusions from a distance?

How well do you know how she lives or why she lives that way? Is that part of the reason she drinks? Do you contact her or does she contact you? Does she not contact you? Does she call all the time? What is the unspoken message in that? Who is reaching for whom?

Is she really drinking too much or do you just presume it. How much does she drink? Why?

People usually drink too much because they are in pain. It can be hidden behind laughter or bravado but usually it is a way to hide some form of pain.

I think you have asked us because you care. In the end, you will have to either answer the questions or turn away. I doubt turning away will satisfy your concerns.

What to do?

Sometimes it is the simplest, humblest action that speaks the loudest. A hand on a shoulder, a kind look, a softly spoken word can do much more than all the common sense in the world.

Don’t stay where you are. Meet her face to face. Ask her about her MS symptoms. Let her show you how her life is. Go somewhere where she can’t have a drink and see what happens. Put your hand on her arm. Do not condemn her.

The greatest issue people with MS have is explaining themselves. If you haven’t got it then it’s hard to empathise. Medical practioners, family and friends are all prone to reinterpret what they hear and see so it fits their preconceptions. I’m sure nearly everyone with MS has listened to others describe them and think “that’s not me at all”.

Alcoholism sometimes hides depression. That can be caused by many things and sickness can be part of it. Depression occurs when all doors seemed closed, all options are gone.

Go and see your sister and help her find an open door.

Regards