I am a 40 year old man that literally had this conversation with my wife in bed at 6:00am this morning. I am feeling incapable of optimism. I was damn near a professional racquetball player (I know, obscure, but I was good!), an avid skier (I can't even see a trip out West ever again) and all around masculine guy as well.
It is a total mind f*** to have all of the things that make up your self esteem yanked away. How am I going to feel good again?
I was describing it in terms the simple things that used to satisfy me. Do you remember when you would spend all day working in the yard or riding your bike and expending a lot of energy? Then you would take a shower and sit around while the breeze blew over you and feel total contentment? Sure there could be things that weren't going right in other areas, but it didn't matter. Then me and my wife would get ready and go out and have a wonderful time and end up in the sack. My life was not just good, it was GREAT. And the sad thing is, I DID appreciate it. I felt like I had the world by the ass and was relishing in it.
I still have a great job (I hate it but it pays great), a great (and hot
) wife and kids, a great house and all the trappings. I guess it goes to show us that true happiness really doesn't rest in anything but peace of mind. I am really struggling with that right now also and anything that I figure out, I will pass on. I am very unequipped to figure this all out and use my family to talk about this stuff with and that helps a bit, but not totally.
The only thing I know is that I have to figure it out because I'm not a quitter and you don't sound like one either. There are people who figure it out and gain peace and I WILL be one of them, but right now I'm just not feeling too close to the answer.
I, too, have vision, balance and dizziness issues. The only thing I've found that helps dizziness well is marijuana, but that isn't the answer since you can't just go around high all the time, plus it makes me so damn tired, but it does give some temporary relief in the evenings. The dizziness is so hard to handle because it has even taken away my hunger, and not eating is not an option.
I feel like I'm preaching to choir after reading your initial post, so all I can offer is some solidarity. I'm in the exact same spot as you right now and all of the sudden I don't feel so alone. Thanks for sharing, we'll get it done somehow.