I have been following this thread since you first posted, and I will start by reiterating what the others have said: what you feel is entirely normal and you will work through it - already your posts have changed a bit in tone! And your English is excellent.
The point others have made about this disease being so unpredictable is so true and I will share a little of my history in support of this, if I may?
I was diagnosed with ms in 1999, but put on no treatment. I was 34 and had just finished chemotherapy for cancer (which may have suppressed the ms a bit as I had vague symptoms pre-dating this). I had very minor relapses which required no treatment and had an EDSS of 1-3 untill Nov 2006 when I had 3 bad relapses in rapid succession. I have more MRI scans (more enhancing lesions), lumbar puncture again (positive) amd IV steroids - three courses. I was put on Avonex in February 2007, and although the side effects are horrible, I have stabilised. My Edss was 3 and is now 5.
My first son is 6yrs old and my second is 4ys old. It was a bit of a gamble to have them and I worried about being around for them (I have 2 health strikes against me - ms and cancer), but I regret nothing. They are a huge blessing and give me motivation to keep fighting. Everyone's life is uncertain - they are just mostly unaware of it! I think that I am a pretty good mom - I waited so long to have them, they don't lack for love and attention and are great kids - I might not be able to run with them, but I can do a lot of other things with them and that is what we concentrate on - kids really just need attention and love.
I have 2 bachelors degrees and a masters degree (achieved after diagnosis). I am a director of a large healthcare company and I still work full time (although I am currently re-thinking that - I am reluctant to cut down). In terms of changes because of ms, I don't travel as much for business as I used to as I find it very tiring and I also hate to be away from my kids. I also have to drive a car with an automatic transmission now, no more "stick shift/manual gear box, and freeways confuse me bit, but I still drive myself and my kids everywhere we need to go. I struggle to write because my fine motor skills are not so good, but I can still throw a ball for my kids. Other than this, and needing more rest than I used to, life is pretty much the same when you get down to fundamentals. I have an awesome husband and a great support system, which helps enormously.
Getting used to certain limitations is frustrating and contemplating the future can be very scary, but I want to be able to look back and feel that I lived as well as I could, and in that way this disease has some positives for me as most people are so unaware of the daily blessing of just waking up and having good people in your life. Ultimately, I would rather regret something I did, than something I didn't, do!
I don't know if any of this helps, but just know that you are not alone in this, there is at least some hope for future treatments, and life can still be good. We all have dark times and there is no shame in seeking help either in the form of therapy or medication if you struggle to find your way out - most of us have been down those roads.
Last edited by AllyB
on Mon Aug 20, 2007 12:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.