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I once knew a man who was fun to be around. He was happy, motivated and funny. He had a passion for life that was unbelievable. He was full of hope and dreams, plans for the future with family and kids. He would make strangers smile for no reason. He had a vigor for life, a passion for sports and outdoors, and an enchantment with where his life was now and where it would take him. He came through much adversity and hardly complained. I looked up to that man. I wish I knew where he is now......

Oh yeah, that USED TO BE ME . I am searching for an ember, a spark, any fragment of that guy that I could somehow rekindle. Unfortunately I think that fire is dead.

Ah yes, reminiscing of days gone by....how nice...

Geesh, what a drama queen...

I don't know you but I would posit he is still alive.

telulah

He came through much adversity and hardly complained.

That doesn't sound like a 'real' person to me. It sounds like an inexperienced one.

The man you are now is a fuller, rounded human being with a wider spectrum of experience. He knows true adversity, not the cheesy crap you see on inpirational posters, and he overcomes it everyday, happily or not. The human experience.

Sounds to me as if the pendulum has swung wildly from one extreme to the other.
Once it settles down somewhere in the middle, my guess is that's where you'll find him.



PS Punchy, do I get the job writing cheesy posters?

I was sitting in my neurologist's office today reading "Neurology Today" and I read a guy that has a website called the braininjurychaplain.com. I don't know and don't care if he's Christian or not. He was basically talking about the difference between good and bad denial. The difference, he said, was that good denial was refusing to accept limits whereas unhealthy was denying that loss occured.

That' really not the point I'm trying to make, although that is what got me to read the rest. The rest of it I'll quote directly. He was talking about an article by a Dr. Brey on Richard Cohen. This is the last few paragraphs:

"As Dr. Brey's editorial points out, there is a tremendous need for people with loss of function to grieve those losses. In my experience, the five stages of grief which Dr. Brey introduces often leave people stuck at the acceptance stage. Dr. Kubler-Ross developed these stages for people who are dying. But for people whose losses are not terminal, or even immediately terminal, they often reach the acceptance stage and enter depression because they are at a loss how to proceed.
I invite you to consider the additional two stages of grief that I have added.
6.INTEGRATION: How is life different? How is it the same? Who am I now? (A huge one for me personally) OK, fine, I accept my loss, but what does it mean for me and my daily life?
7. CO-CREATION: I'm ready to contribute now. What are my passions and how can I harness them as I strive to contribute to my family, my friends,my community, my world?"

Once he gets past the Kubler-Ross stuff, it gets profound as hell if you ask me. Just reading that aloud to my wife was huge for me. It sounds like Dom is right, that guy is not gone forever. Somewhere in the middle. For me it's going to be trying my hardest to figure out what passion of mine can I do in the state I'm in and start contributing in a way that makes me feel good about myself. Right now I realize that a huge amount of my self esteem is from the physical. I WAS a really good racquetball player and golfer, an avid runner, the uncle always on the ground with the kids, the guy in the office not afraid to get on top of the 2 story press, and I know you were like that too from your past posts.

Grump you know that I would never say "You should do this, or You should do that", but that stuff that the guy said hit me so hard, and right when I needed it. Maybe you can try and find out what you CAN do that will make you and yours happy in a way that you can keep going with your limitations. I don't know bro, sorry if I came across as preachy, but you always find a way to say what I need to hear. YOU are still there.

Wow, I know you are right Loobie, Punchy and Helix but Loobie I think you are really right. I am stuck in the acceptance phase. Not really accepting the fate and future, but accepting that this nightmare is true. I am going to get my hands on the article and read it through. For sure I am not dead, that would be too easy. The fire inside me feels dead, but since i am still hunting for something I guess there is a spark of that old guy I used to know / be. Sometimes I just need a slap upside the head to come clear of the dark clouds of life. A little relief from the MS symptoms would be ok too.

I was in a particularly bad Rebif, antidepressant, antibiotic & muscle relaxer induced whirpool of self pity and negative reflection last night when I posted. That is why I called myself a drama queen this morning.

Thanks for all the posts and thoughts. .... Now what is it that I can do well ???? At least I know I am a good wanker

G

Grumpster wrote: Thanks for all the posts and thoughts. .... Now what is it that I can do well ???? At least I know I am a good wanker

G

TMI

Loobie,
You hit the nail right on the head with your wonderful words and advice. I'd just like to add that there is a difference to this grieving process as applied to MS: it doesn't stop. That is perhaps why the "acceptance" stage is so difficult: no sooner have you begun to adjust, adapt and accept one particular loss of function or activity than the next is beginning to creep up on you. I've often wondered if it would be easier to accept some paralysis after a single traumatic event like a car crash than the relentless decline of MS: at least then you would get a before and after, but with MS there is no " after".


PS I'm so pleased the word " wanker" has crossed the Atlantic. I hope you get as much use out of it as I do.

TwistedHelix wrote: PS I'm so pleased the word " wanker" has crossed the Atlantic. I hope you get as much use out of it as I do.

Hey!

I thought David St. Hubbins used that word when he was talking to Nigel and Derek.

...Wanker...he is such a wanker...the audience was still booing him when we took the stage...

.

....and it must be said properly. With a 'wank' and then an 'uh'. So not wank-ur, but wank-uh. Man have we gone off on a tangent here . Grump I don't know if you are cheered up now, but the rest of us are from your wanker statement!

Well I knew it was a general insult, but was not so sure it was one who wanks themself. I use it to describe someone who whines and snivels a lot. Now I can use it properly.

Alright, I got my smile on. Thanks for the lift!

Dom,

Your thoughts on the continuous decline are so fungent. I have almost stated exactly what you state to my wife. I've often told her (and always wtih the caveat to be careful what you wish for) about how I'm sometimes jealous when I see people who are getting over some form of cancer, or who are injured in an accident or something. I've always told her that I can never say "when I get through this". I watch people of celebrity who are getting through breast or testicular cancer, or whatever, when they are "done" and are jogging and working out to get back in shape and I think just like what you said. Just about the time you get used to your new loss of function, some more comes along!

But then my feet come back down and I realize that will do nothing but make it harder for me to accept that I have MS. Just like in my favorite poem; "If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself". Basically showing in practice that envy and jealousy are pretty much useless emotions!

Loobie, I like to say "Compare and Despair". I think that is along the same lines. I hope you are well.

Dom's insight on the acceptance continuum is brilliant!