laughs I have known
Posted: Wed Apr 21, 2010 7:56 pm
I'm going to recycle stuff that I wrote that seemed funny to me at the time (sometimes you have to have been there) and a lot of emails I got from someone who claims they came from steve wozniac. i don't know where they really came from, and some you no doubt have seen on the internet somewhere, but hey they might have missed you.
#1 I posted somewhere on the CCSVI forum, but you know how big that is:
Bottle Feeding Related To MS Risk: Multiple Symbiosis Digest
Posting of the following article has been approved by The Internerd's Guide to the Internet(TM)) (http://www.internerd.com)
Bottle-Feeding and Smoking of Banana Peel Increase Risk of Multiple Symbiosis
Mudhut, Manitoba -- April 1, 2010 -- A study published in the April 1 parchment issue of the journal Milkology shows that smoking banana peel may increase the risk of multiple symbiosis (MS) in people who also have specific established risk factors for MS.
The research involved 4 people with MS and 8 people without the disease from 3 studies: the Banana-peel Study, the Bottle-fed MS Study, and the Epstein-Beatle MS Study.
Researchers first determined whether participants had known risk factors for MS, including having a high level of Auntie Bobbie in the blood to the Epstein-Beatle papyrus virus or having the East-LA gene, which is largely present in patients with MS.
The study found that among those with high levels of Auntie Bobbie to the Epstein-Beetle papyrus virus, banana-peel smokers were twice as likely to have MS as those who had never smoked the peel
The same association was not seen in those with low Auntie Bobbie levels.
The risk of MS associated with peel smoking was not different in people with and without the East LA gene.
"The consistency of an association between MS, smoking peels, and Bobbie's immune response to the Epstein-Beatle papyrus virus based on these 3 distinct, pornographically diverse studies suggests this finding is not due to pants," said study author Sting, Tantric School of Pubic Health, New York. "This relationship may provide clues as to why certain individuals develop pictures while others develop MS."
In the United States, the average lifetime risk of developing multiple symbiosis is approximately 1 in 200 for women and 1 in 600 for men. Among those with high Auntie Bobby levels to the Epstein-Beatle papyrus virus, peel-smokers may have up to a 2-fold increase in MS risk compared with non-banana-peel-smokers.
It was also found that:
If the Epstein-Beatles Battle Auntie Bobbie's Papyrus Virus in a Bottle, and the Banana-Peel is Smoking with the Tokens in a Tunnel, it's called an
Epstein-Beatle Auntie-Bobbie's Papyrus Virus Banana Bottle Token Smokin Tunnel Battle Muddle.
SOURCE: American Cabal of Numerology
#2 I wrote for a demonstration we're having on Parliament Hill, but it doesn't look like we'll use it:
Lysistrata on Parliament Hill
-------------------------------
ChorusOfOne played by ?
Lysistrata played by ?
Lysistrata: I tell you, we should just take over parliament.
ChorusOfOne: But the plan. You promised!
Lysistrata: Oh, alright. You announce me.
ChorusOfOne: I do the proclamation, you do the oath.
Lysistrata: OK. But I still say we ducktape all the buggers and stuff socks in their mouths.
ChorusOfOne: Never mind. I'm going to start. (addresses crowd:)
ChorusOfOne: Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome the woman we *all* know and love, please give it up for: Lysistrata!
applause...
(waits)
Somebody turn off that stupid applause sign! (waits for quiet) (crowd goes silent after sign is extinguished) I would first like to make a special request to certain of our Citizens:
(from scroll) Calling all Wives, Girlfriends, and Lovers. OF: ...Male Neurologists. Of Male Politicians, Federal and Provincial. Of Prime Ministers of Canada and the United Kingdom. And of Male MS Society Executives. Please come to the Aid of your Sisters with MS. We ask a Terrible favour of you: we need you to ...Deny Sex to your usual partners, these husbands, lovers, and so on. Without Any Exception. Unless and Until they will All Give Unequivocal Consent, that MS patients will get CCSVI Surgery. All of them. Now. Recalcitrance must be met with more. Sorry Sisters. But it's for a Good Cause. It should not take long. Thank you for this favour and your assistance. Now, please repeat after Lysistrata, the Oath of Sexual Conditions and Remedial Chastity:
(One line at a time, waiting for the Chorus to repeat each line after her:)
Lysistrata: (from scroll) (parenthetically): "The Liberation" is the name of the CCSVI operation that will relieve MS symptoms of women Near and Far.
Now you must all repeat after me.
(louder)
To neurologist or politician I will not open arms
Though fancy and denial raise his charms
In bed at home, ignoring him I'll stay
Beautiful, dressed in saffron silks all day
And if he dares to pluck with me by force
I'll give him a good reason for remorse
I'll never lie and stare up at the ceiling
(Chorus pauses before repeating)
Or ever do it doggy style or kneeling
(Chorus starts shuddering, stuttering)
If I keep faith, my sisters will get treated
And if I don't, our Cause will be Defeated
(chorus louder here:)
The *only* way he'll get what he Desires
(Chorus getting louder:)
The *only* way he'll quench his Raging Fires
(back to original level:)
Is that in spite of wealth and reputation
(crescendo, Lysistrata and Chorus, together')
He will agree with *Women's* *Liberation*!
(optional) neurologists wives, wives of politicians, Harper's wife, MS exec wives, all on separate screens
(this is the first time their monitors have worked, so they have not heard anything)
Lysistrata: Say after me: "We agree."
(women on screens) "We agree."
(tvs all go dead)
ChorusOfOne: (aside) I think we should mention the soldiers.
Lysistrata: Oh, yes. (louder:) The Oath must not be used to prevent any activity involving a member of our military forces. In fact you are all advised that unmarried members of the forces, especially those now or formerly in Afghanistan, are excellent choices, to substitute for the banished male personages. Full and thorough use should be made of this Valuable National Resource.
ChorusOfOne: There, I hope that does it. Now, did you say you knew where to find some soldiers?
Lysistrata: A whole bunch of them. But you'll have to wait till I'm finished with them. Could take a while. Why don't you just call it a night and I'll
tell them where to meet you tomorrow. OK? You'll be much more satisfied, really. They'll have had a night's sleep, and they'll be much fresher.
Lysistrata: (to the crowd) And if any of you gentlemen become desperate for a rendezvous, I do have a couple of "pointers" I'd like to lay on you. But I can't. My Oath. Sorry, guys.
#3 I got from my collection:
ADULT SUPERVISION ADVISED
> An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.
> 'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.
> 'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'
> 'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'
>
> It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'
> 'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
> 'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'
>
> 'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'
> 'Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Tim Hortons again !!!!!!!!
>
Feel free to add attributed original material or just stuff you come across to this topic (or start yer own...) it's all good.
#1 I posted somewhere on the CCSVI forum, but you know how big that is:
Bottle Feeding Related To MS Risk: Multiple Symbiosis Digest
Posting of the following article has been approved by The Internerd's Guide to the Internet(TM)) (http://www.internerd.com)
Bottle-Feeding and Smoking of Banana Peel Increase Risk of Multiple Symbiosis
Mudhut, Manitoba -- April 1, 2010 -- A study published in the April 1 parchment issue of the journal Milkology shows that smoking banana peel may increase the risk of multiple symbiosis (MS) in people who also have specific established risk factors for MS.
The research involved 4 people with MS and 8 people without the disease from 3 studies: the Banana-peel Study, the Bottle-fed MS Study, and the Epstein-Beatle MS Study.
Researchers first determined whether participants had known risk factors for MS, including having a high level of Auntie Bobbie in the blood to the Epstein-Beatle papyrus virus or having the East-LA gene, which is largely present in patients with MS.
The study found that among those with high levels of Auntie Bobbie to the Epstein-Beetle papyrus virus, banana-peel smokers were twice as likely to have MS as those who had never smoked the peel
The same association was not seen in those with low Auntie Bobbie levels.
The risk of MS associated with peel smoking was not different in people with and without the East LA gene.
"The consistency of an association between MS, smoking peels, and Bobbie's immune response to the Epstein-Beatle papyrus virus based on these 3 distinct, pornographically diverse studies suggests this finding is not due to pants," said study author Sting, Tantric School of Pubic Health, New York. "This relationship may provide clues as to why certain individuals develop pictures while others develop MS."
In the United States, the average lifetime risk of developing multiple symbiosis is approximately 1 in 200 for women and 1 in 600 for men. Among those with high Auntie Bobby levels to the Epstein-Beatle papyrus virus, peel-smokers may have up to a 2-fold increase in MS risk compared with non-banana-peel-smokers.
It was also found that:
If the Epstein-Beatles Battle Auntie Bobbie's Papyrus Virus in a Bottle, and the Banana-Peel is Smoking with the Tokens in a Tunnel, it's called an
Epstein-Beatle Auntie-Bobbie's Papyrus Virus Banana Bottle Token Smokin Tunnel Battle Muddle.
SOURCE: American Cabal of Numerology
#2 I wrote for a demonstration we're having on Parliament Hill, but it doesn't look like we'll use it:
Lysistrata on Parliament Hill
-------------------------------
ChorusOfOne played by ?
Lysistrata played by ?
Lysistrata: I tell you, we should just take over parliament.
ChorusOfOne: But the plan. You promised!
Lysistrata: Oh, alright. You announce me.
ChorusOfOne: I do the proclamation, you do the oath.
Lysistrata: OK. But I still say we ducktape all the buggers and stuff socks in their mouths.
ChorusOfOne: Never mind. I'm going to start. (addresses crowd:)
ChorusOfOne: Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome the woman we *all* know and love, please give it up for: Lysistrata!
applause...
(waits)
Somebody turn off that stupid applause sign! (waits for quiet) (crowd goes silent after sign is extinguished) I would first like to make a special request to certain of our Citizens:
(from scroll) Calling all Wives, Girlfriends, and Lovers. OF: ...Male Neurologists. Of Male Politicians, Federal and Provincial. Of Prime Ministers of Canada and the United Kingdom. And of Male MS Society Executives. Please come to the Aid of your Sisters with MS. We ask a Terrible favour of you: we need you to ...Deny Sex to your usual partners, these husbands, lovers, and so on. Without Any Exception. Unless and Until they will All Give Unequivocal Consent, that MS patients will get CCSVI Surgery. All of them. Now. Recalcitrance must be met with more. Sorry Sisters. But it's for a Good Cause. It should not take long. Thank you for this favour and your assistance. Now, please repeat after Lysistrata, the Oath of Sexual Conditions and Remedial Chastity:
(One line at a time, waiting for the Chorus to repeat each line after her:)
Lysistrata: (from scroll) (parenthetically): "The Liberation" is the name of the CCSVI operation that will relieve MS symptoms of women Near and Far.
Now you must all repeat after me.
(louder)
To neurologist or politician I will not open arms
Though fancy and denial raise his charms
In bed at home, ignoring him I'll stay
Beautiful, dressed in saffron silks all day
And if he dares to pluck with me by force
I'll give him a good reason for remorse
I'll never lie and stare up at the ceiling
(Chorus pauses before repeating)
Or ever do it doggy style or kneeling
(Chorus starts shuddering, stuttering)
If I keep faith, my sisters will get treated
And if I don't, our Cause will be Defeated
(chorus louder here:)
The *only* way he'll get what he Desires
(Chorus getting louder:)
The *only* way he'll quench his Raging Fires
(back to original level:)
Is that in spite of wealth and reputation
(crescendo, Lysistrata and Chorus, together')
He will agree with *Women's* *Liberation*!
(optional) neurologists wives, wives of politicians, Harper's wife, MS exec wives, all on separate screens
(this is the first time their monitors have worked, so they have not heard anything)
Lysistrata: Say after me: "We agree."
(women on screens) "We agree."
(tvs all go dead)
ChorusOfOne: (aside) I think we should mention the soldiers.
Lysistrata: Oh, yes. (louder:) The Oath must not be used to prevent any activity involving a member of our military forces. In fact you are all advised that unmarried members of the forces, especially those now or formerly in Afghanistan, are excellent choices, to substitute for the banished male personages. Full and thorough use should be made of this Valuable National Resource.
ChorusOfOne: There, I hope that does it. Now, did you say you knew where to find some soldiers?
Lysistrata: A whole bunch of them. But you'll have to wait till I'm finished with them. Could take a while. Why don't you just call it a night and I'll
tell them where to meet you tomorrow. OK? You'll be much more satisfied, really. They'll have had a night's sleep, and they'll be much fresher.
Lysistrata: (to the crowd) And if any of you gentlemen become desperate for a rendezvous, I do have a couple of "pointers" I'd like to lay on you. But I can't. My Oath. Sorry, guys.
#3 I got from my collection:
ADULT SUPERVISION ADVISED
> An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.
> 'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.
> 'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'
> 'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'
>
> It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'
> 'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
> 'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'
>
> 'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'
> 'Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Tim Hortons again !!!!!!!!
>
Feel free to add attributed original material or just stuff you come across to this topic (or start yer own...) it's all good.