I need to make a post here today. It's been too long and this is/was very therapeutic for me. I need it after the last few weeks.
Although I just had a "knock your junk in the dirt" relapse, I'm grateful that I'm still ambulatory. The distance I can make before I need to stop has decreased markedly, but I can still walk on my own.
Although it's left me weaker, dizzier and crazier than a few weeks ago, I am still functioning, and for that I'm grateful; but only becuase I know it could be much worse. I ain't liking this in any capacity, but I have to, have to work on thinking forward.
Although I pissed the bed 3 times again last night, I'm thankful for Heavy duty lawn and garden bags as they saved my mattress from smelling like a gas station urinal
. I'm grateful because having the foresight to prepare for a wet night makes the clean up much easier and I could just put another towel down on top and go back to sleep.
I'm struggling to find it, but bear with me, I think I almost cracked a smile. I spent a good deal of last night thinking about what I've lost. A couple of hours probably. I was feeling so slighted. Doesn't God know how much of a physical guy I was before I got this shit? I was a state ranked racquetball player, had a 10 handicap, did everything at the home myself, I was the "workout guy" of the neighborhood, and the sex? don't get me started on that. Oh woe was me. Then I just had to think that each and every one of us has this to deal with; not just me. All that stuff was great, but if I stay stuck on it, I can't move on. The problem is I DON'T WANT TO MOVE ON DAMNIT! I STILL WANT TO DO ALL THAT MORE THAN ANYTHING. I LOVED MY LIFE WITH A PASSION, I HAD IT DICKED!! THIS SUCKS..AARRRGGH!
I don't quite know how yet to stop yearning for the things I just keep losing. It's not something that I think we come equipped with. For that reason I need to come on here and ramble. I won't give up on life, but I don't WANT to accept the one I've been given. But I have to begrudgingly accept some Mick Jagger gospel; "you can't always get what you want". What choice do I have but to accept it? What good does it do to keep mourning the past since I can't go back there? It doesn't do any good, but it's so hard not to do. BUT it is neccessary if I'm not going to let this disease take me down. The only thing I can do is move forward. That's a literal statement. I have to move forward with my life and try and achieve peace of mind in this condition. That sucks, but there is a quote from Rick Warren that I find helpful. After his wife's cancer he had quite a few profound insights. One of them deals with their why me questions. It ended up loosely saying that his feeling is that God is not interested in our comfort. He is interested in our character. And whether you believe in God or not, that gives a different look to our condition.
It fully appears that our lives may very well not have much 'comfort' in them anymore. But how do you live with that 24/7 and still stay engaged in life? How do you put a smile on your face? How are the little things ever going to seem fulfilling again? How is anything ever going to feel fulfilling again? How in the hell do you ever just freaking relax? I don't know that I can say I have any insight whatsoever into that. However, for now anyway, maybe my purpose is to try and find that peace of mind and some calm in the middle of this shit storm. Maybe it's the pursuit of peace in the midst of pain that will give me some way of looking forward.
I think I'll go with that for right now. It's all I can think of, and as always, I'm eternally grateful for my family and for all of you guys. For now anyway, I can't say the old standby "we'll get through this" becuase right now there is no other side to get through to. But to over use a trendy phrase, it is what it is and if I choose to live, then I'm going to have to be OK with that.