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Joined: Jun 11, 2004 Posts: 36 Location: McLeansville NC
Posted: Thu Jul 15, 2004 3:26 pm Post subject: Denial...
After my last exacerbation... My wife tells me I look scared all the time. Maybe I am. I told her I knew I could go into a wheelchair one day, but previously I had things like vision problems, three weeks of tinglys etc...
This last time I went down hard and into a wheelchair because I could not walk. Fortunately I'm walking again (it's not very pretty) but this recent episode has really messed with my sense/security of denial???
Thoughts??? Is this denial? Is it useful / harmful? I had it for a reason...
Posted: Thu Jul 15, 2004 5:38 pm Post subject: denial
I think I go in and out of denial. This is so scarey sometimes. When I feel well, I try to pretend nothing is wrong with me. I also try to convince myself the drugs and supplements are doing some good. When I have symptoms, I try and believe they are going to be short lived. I do not think there is one person around me that understands this is NORMAL. I think if someone told me I had an uncurable cancer, and I had 6 months to live, it might actually be easier for me to deal with (I am sorry about this), but because noone can tell me when I have trouble walking whether it is going to get better, stay the same, or get worse, so much uncertainty freaks me out. Being a pessimist by nature, I need to know that I am prepared for the worst,another thing noone gets. HOPE. It has to be stronger than the rest I think. Hope that we can walk, swallow, think clearly, and if we can't, we sill be stong enough to deal with it. I think it is okay to be scared, and okay to be in denial, and at this point to have hope, even if it is false hope. Tell your wife you love her, but you are scared, and hoping the fear will pass. I am keeping you both in my prayers.
Joined: Jun 28, 2004 Posts: 32 Location: South Louisiana
Posted: Thu Jul 15, 2004 8:43 pm Post subject: Denial....that is not the name of a River? LOL
I am like Cathy in that I do think I go in/out of denial which at times is beneficial to me and for those around me.
I do not live in constant denial because I am very aware of what MS is and what it possibly means to my future. I do not deny medical attention to myself when I am having problems thinking oh, this will just go away because I know it will not and if it does it may return with even a more fierce bite to my ass.
For me, I know the in/out of denial has kept me sane or as sane as one can be dealing with this putrid disease.
When dealing with this putrid disease we seem to live on the edge of our seat because we never know what's next so being scared is a natural and I would think common feeling.
seelie, there are days where I am scared and there are days I am like....do what you are going to do with me and get it over with. It is okay that you feel the way you do and you are not alone in those feelings.
I do honestly think denial serves its purpose with us a different times. Just like the testing we have to have done.....there are times I tell myself I have had worse which is so far from denial b/c I have had worse. LOL
Well, I am right there with you (Seelie, Cathy, DawnsBrain).
I try denial as long as I can (until MS symptoms definitely do the override function). One of the things that helped me the most with this topic was Richard Cohens book Blindsided: A Reluctant Memoir
The following quote spoke to me big time:
Quote:
But denial has two sides, and I have been favored by its more attractive side......For me, denial has been the linchpin of the determination to cope and to hope. Denial allows any individual with a problem to invent his or her personal reality and to move forward with life in the belief that he or she is in control and can do what needs to be done to keep going. Denial encourages anyone to test perceived limits and, as a consequence, to postpone concessions..
Given another major problem with MS is this freakin' unpredictability, I particularly like the idea that I can hope, cope, invent my own reality and move forward. Of course it's really attractive to postpone any concessions to MS too.
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Of course it's really attractive to postpone any concessions to MS too. 