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Trigger warning. Need advice.
Posted: Sat Nov 17, 2018 10:01 am
My boyfriend has MS. He moved in with me, and my children.
He also has a child, but she lives with her mother in another state.
Christmas is approaching, and we're discussing plane tickets. To get his child here, it is going to cost a hefty $800, and we're already struggling.
I suggested that he visit his kiddo so he can also see other family members. This cuts the plane ticket cost tremendously, still allows him access to his parenting time, and the ability to bond, and also see everyone he loves, which also means we can afford Christmas gifts for all the kids.
He took this idea poorly, and suggested that I didn't want his kid here, which isn't the case at all. It's just that we don't have the funding to make sure all the kids get Christmas gifts, on top of plane tickets. I repeated that, and he claimed that I think items are more important than seeing his daughter.
I have five children, plus his, who lives far away. We barely make rent most months. I don't feel that my children should suffer the loss of Christmas, nor do I feel his should. My kids also do not know his daughter very well. How do I explain to them that getting his kid here is more important than their Christmas?
Red flag incoming: because I told him to visit family/use his parenting time, he threatened to kill himself. He got super frustrated and started loudly stating that he would kill himself, and how. My kids were just put to sleep as he did this, and their beds are just a few feet away in another room.
I left the room upset and called my parents to vent and ask for advice. He scared me. I was afraid my kids heard. I have custody to worry over...
Once he realised that I had informed my loved ones of his behavior, he claimed he was just being "endearing" to describe his much he missed his child. He blamed his mood on his MS, and said he has over a certain amount of lesions, and that he doesn't think correctly, sometimes. He just was trying to convey that he missed his kid.
I just need some advice. I just feel overwhelmed. I want him safe. I want myself to remain safe. I want my children to be in a safe environment.
Re: Trigger warning. Need advice.
Posted: Sat Nov 17, 2018 2:38 pm
You have a difficult situation. The one party in this whose opinion you don't mention is his child's. Presumably, there are two sets of grandparents who want their grandchild to have a normal as possible relationship with both her parents. Can you contact the mothers family at any level?
This is obviously a stressful situation but I don't think MS should carry blame for your partners mood. There are clearly other issues. Financial problems can be major causes of stress. If he is talking about harming himself that is a call for help. If there are organizations in your area that provide consultation services for mental health, then both of you should try them because this issue wont be easy to fix. It sounds like he is struggling, inside, to go back to where he has come from. Being with you just might be more important to him than seeing his child. It's not healthy, but it might be the case.
The MS issues are the smallest part of your problem.
I hope you find an answer.
Re: Trigger warning. Need advice.
Posted: Sat Nov 17, 2018 2:50 pm
hi not a pro on this subject. the literature has identified risk factors associated w suicidality in ms, including: "Depression severity, social isolation, younger age, progressive disease subtype, lower income, earlier disease course, higher levels of physical disability, and not driving."
i have also heard it said, by someone in the field but i don't have any references to back this up, that you take it (more) seriously when the 'how' is specified.
if you have not already reached out in that direction, i think a local suicide help line is probably your best bet for accessing an experienced advisor.
this seems potentially worth a read in the meantime https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog ... ns-suicide
my 2c fwiw is that the depression severity if applicable would likely be a modifiable risk factor, especially if he has some of the nutrient status problems common to ms patients and which are also associated with mental health issues. if interested, there are a handful of related links in the mental and spiritual health forum.