Wheelchair Study (satire)

[1eye]

Ascruciated Press October 31, 2010

Clinical trials have proven the common experience of seeing a 'new-rologist' to be a manifestation of the 'noseeum effect'. The explanation appears to be that if you 'noseeum' you 'dontgetum'. So most of the babble ascribed in the past 150 years to the practice of 'new-rology' has been a figment of diseased imaginations. which can be detected using the simple method called 'double-blinding'. This involves use of blinkers every time the patient walks or drives past an office with a new-rology sign on it. That usually reveals the mental confusion caused by the 'noseeum ' effect. Now that this mass delusion has been uncovered, many so-called 'patients' will be placeebing more clearly (the opposite of the 'noseeum effect').

[Jugular]

Dr. Nero Ologist has lately taken to the media to decry all the hate-mail and criticism that he has been pelted with by a certain radical band of vocal MS patients who have been seduced by WCCMT (Wheel Chair Compassion Mobility Theory). "I think the silent majority of MS patients don't like how WCCMT is getting all the attention" says Dr. Ologist. "One of my former patients even gave me a hug!"

A beleaguered Dr. Ologist offered that "I am confident that all this WCCMT hysteria will soon blow over and more worthy research projects can proceed." Dr. Ologist maintains that since it has been proven using mice that MS patients have an abnormal susceptibility to gravity, wheelchairs are unlikely to be of benefit. Instead Dr. Ologist and his team believe that MS mobility problems can be rectified by drilling holes in the bones of MS patients to make them less vulnerable to gravity.

"This certainly has less risk associated with it than traveling to foreign countries to ride around in wheelchairs where there are Italian motorists driving around," chuckled Dr. Ologist.

[drsclafani]

Dr. Nero Ologist has lately taken to the media to decry all the hate-mail and criticism that he has been pelted with by a certain radical band of vocal MS patients who have been seduced by WCCMT (Wheel Chair Compassion Mobility Theory). "I think the silent majority of MS patients don't like how WCCMT is getting all the attention" says Dr. Ologist. "One of my former patients even gave me a hug!"

A beleaguered Dr. Ologist offered that "I am confident that all this WCCMT hysteria will soon blow over and more worthy research projects can proceed." Dr. Ologist maintains that since it has been proven using mice that MS patients have an abnormal susceptibility to gravity, wheelchairs are unlikely to be of benefit. Instead Dr. Ologist and his team believe that MS mobility problems can be rectified by drilling holes in the bones of MS patients to make them less vulnerable to gravity.

"This certainly has less risk associated with it than traveling to foreign countries to ride around in wheelchairs where there are Italian motorists driving around," chuckled Dr. Ologist.

this is a big reason why I love you all.

[Squeakycat]

The Anals of Neurology has waived peer-review and rushed into print the results of an IMPORTANT new study which definitively proves that wheelchairs are of absolutely no benefit to EAE mice, completely putting to rest any further discussion of whether wheelchairs are related to MS or of any benefit to people with MS.

"Wheelchairs did absolutely nothing to improve the mobility of EAE mice, regardless of whether the mice were supine or fully erect." said Dr. Nero Oligist.

Pending the removal of his cranium from his rectum by Dr. Oligist's proctologist, the good doctor plans a new series of tests to see what happens when EAE mice are fed catnip and then allowed to play with big alley cats.

[1eye]

OOps. Clean pyjamas again...


... "I can placeebo now, the rain is gone"...

[Donnchadh]

[PRESS RELEASE] Ferrari S.p.A. of Maranello Italy today announced their new entry in the wheelchair category, the 401 GTO. They intend to enter this unique two-wheeled streamlined wheelchair in the upcoming Formula One racing circuit. A street legal version is also planned for sale to the legions of devoted Ferrari fans. Both models will sport the traditional Rosa Corsa ("race red") color synonymous with the famous racing company.

The chair seat component will be fabricated by Ferrari's longstanding coach builder partner, Pininfarina.




Prototype Ferrari 401 GTO racing wheelchair.

Ferrari wheelchair sales for North America will be handled by a new distributor and marketer, Dr. Sclafani, who is in the process of completely revamping the company's operations in the USA. "I anticipate being able to accept deposits on the new wheelchair in about 2 or 3 weeks," Dr. Sclafani reports.

However, a legal challenge to the new wheelchair has been filed with racing authorities by Dr. Nero Oligist in an attempt to block Ferrari's entry. "MS patients simply cannot safely handle the vastly increased operating speeds made possible by racing wheelchairs," claimed the doctor. Dr. Nero Oligist noted that, "MS patients must be restricted to being race fans only, on the sidelines with their crutches for their own well being, mainly because I say so."

Donnchadh

[1eye]

(Sporty Helmet and Murine Checkered Flag Times - October 2010) In a secret lab known only to local hospital administrators, a new drug (an on-time-release version of MS drug 4-AP) will be tested in a face-off between mice with racing crutches, and mice with the new Ferrari racing wheelchairs.

"We are hoping" said an anonymous physician "that the mice can be trained to run really fast, while these EAE ones are just left in the dust chewing on the Pininfarina seats."

"We have also produced a quantity of a green substance with a nearly identical* chemical composition to lunar cheese. We have tested it using gas-chromatography and the Hubble Telescope." said the doctor. It is hoped the EAE racing mice will be satiated, not feel like racing, and stop chewing the seats. "They won't even be able to drive it out of the pit." he said.

Meanwhile, the racing crutches will be in high gear,

In a related development, scientists claim to have used the Hubble to prove the non-curvature of the earth. This is expected to result in the development of a speed surface better than the Bonneville salt flats. "That may be used in further time trials of the racing crutches." said the anonymouse doctor, his three-fingered white gloves smoothing his large round black ears.

"We may set a new mouse-land-speed-record with no wheelchairs in sight." he said.

* left-sided, therefore patentable

[Donnchadh]

[FLASH UPDATE] BROOKLYN NY USA. Dr. Sclafani's wheelchair drivers displayed their new Ferrari team jackets, which they intend to use during their procedures. This new jacket will replace the traditional all white smocks they had previously used. "We wanted to have an exciting new image, which reflects the dynamic new results made possible by our state-of-the-art wheelchair racing technology," said Dr. Sclafani.



When asked for a comment by media Dr. Nero Oligist stated, "We will continue using the traditional all-white smocks, since we are determined to maintain the status quo and feel that they are more intimidating to our MS patients."

Donnchadh

[Cece]

Love makes the wheelchair's wheels go round....

There are some reports out of Kuwait that by doubling the inflation of the wheelchair's wheels, the pesky problem of tires going flat may soon be solved.

[Brainteaser]

No-one seems to have raised the significant point about the cost of wheelchairs. You know, the point people like Lyon trot out from time to time - governments simply can't afford something as suss as wheelchairs! ie when they have far more important demands on scarce public resources, like tanks, bombs and bailing out banks.

[Donnchadh]

[UPDATE]

Sneak photo taken by Italian Paparazzi of the prototype Ferrari 401 GTO racing wheelchair added to earlier posting.

Donnchadh

[aliyalex]

Obviously, Italy has taken the leading edge in wheelchair technology. Sometimes I just want to go there for mine rather than deal with all the roadblocks here.

[Cece]

Obviously, Italy has taken the leading edge in wheelchair technology. Sometimes I just want to go there for mine rather than deal with all the roadblocks here.

"People using crutches are much more able to maneuver around roadblocks," opined Dr. Ologist. "We need more roadblocks, to be sure."

[cah]

Recently, a german colleague of Dr. N. Ologist made a trial with the Ferrari wheelchair and mice without hindpaws (and without a tail for better assessment and making them more human-like) and found no improvements in mobility. Some questioned their methodology because of the minor differences in anatomy between mice and humans, but they insisted they had made the right conclusions.

(Edited some mistakes)

[Donnchadh]

THIS IS A BREAKING NEWS UPDATE. Check back soon for further information.

Dr. Nero Oligist filed a compliant today with the Federal Trade Commission (FTC) under a seldom used provision of the original 1890 Sherman Antitrust Act, claiming harm from the introduction of a new technology.



Sen. John Sherman (R—OH), the principal author of the Sherman Antitrust Act.

His formal compliant petition alleges that unscrupulous "alleged medical facilities and clinics" are issuing wheelchairs to MS patients without these machines being first subjected to prior rigorous field testing. "There have been instances where my former patients have been preyed upon by these operators," asserts Dr. Nero Oligist in the filing. "These MS patients are a vulnerable population and many of whom are now suffering from WCCMT (Wheel Chair Compassion Mobility Theory) and have continued to be manipulated by these wheelchair dealers."

Dr. Nero Oligist's petition asks for immediate relief from such practices by halting the "importation, construction, and distribution of wheelchairs" until such time they have been proven safe and effective by neurologists. His compliant asserts that only neurologists have the necessary expertise to properly evaluate the consequences of adopting wheelchairs for widespread use by MS patients, based on their decades of nearly endless and unrelated research studies.

When asked by reporters why only neurologists are qualified to make this determination Dr. Nero Oligist quipped, "There's a reason why my profession adopted wearing horse blinders decades ago-it's the best way to make sure we are continuously doubled-blinded."

Donnchadh