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Donnchadh wrote:When asked by reporters why only neurologists are qualified to make this determination Dr. Nero Oligist quipped, "There's a reason why my profession adopted wearing horse blinders decades ago-it's the best way to make sure we are continuously doubled-blinded."
Despite the negativity of Dr. Nero Oligist and his attempts to quell the excitement of patients waiting to try out the chairs, wheelchair testing clinics were popping up in many different countries around the world (well, not so much in Canada... although the Canucks were great about reporting all the latest wheelchair news).
Still, there were some serious kinks to work out in the design. Some chair racers were elated with their chair's performance and some thought their chairs were just alright-- but sadly, there were a few users whose chairs got stuck in some serious mud, or whose chairs stopped working after a month or so. As some famous guy (cannot for the dickens remember his name) once said: "It was the best of times; it was the worst of times."
The world-famed Dr. Nero Ologist is excited at last about, of all things, wheelchairs.
"I have seen the light," he says, and he seems to be embracing the concept. "If persons have a lot of money, mobility can be enhanced using the new flat wheels."
The theory seems to be that if the world is flat enough, flat wheels can be used with wheelchairs. Especially, as he explains, when used together with the old stand-by, crutches. "The strongest patients can actually achieve enhanced mobility, using both. They have to be strong enough to lift the chair with their crutches. Contrary to the old round-wheeled ones, these are perfectly safe, if used with a seat-belt."
However, he cautions against the use of crutches with off-road chairs. "Their wheels may look flat, but the idea is to emulate round," he argues. "Most patients will hurt themselves, and may even be crushed, not in spirit, but by falling under the chairs. The patient might think crutches will help, but the tracked chairs are inherently not road-worthy."
He also believes it will be years before the combination is ready for prime-time. "After a few more long range placebo-controlled blinded random studies, these devices will be a boon to mobility, both mouse and human." he perceives. "But not before." Meanwhile the chair-crutch combination is being test-driven by mice with crutches, in a secret location on the Utah salt flats. "Currently, the problem is, they cannot reach the ground with their crutches," the world famed expert concedes.
This unit of entertainment not brought to you by FREMULON.
Not a doctor.
"I'm still here, how 'bout that? I may have lost my lunchbox, but I'm still here." John Cowan Hartford (December 30, 1937 – June 4, 2001)
[Press Release-Stockholm, Sweden.] Psychologists specializing in the infamous "Stockholm Syndrome" disorder announced today that they intend to extend their studies to determine why some MS patients are so reluctant to consider the emerging new wheelchair technology. Indeed some of the most vociferous opponents to wheelchair adoption are long term users of outdated and inadequate crutches.
The "Stockholm Syndrome" is a term used to describe a paradoxical psychological phenomenon wherein patients express adulation and have positive feelings towards their neurologists that appear irrational in light of the lack of a cure or the progressive decline endured by the patients, essentially mistaking a lack of condescension from their neurologist's as an act of kindness.
"Some MS patients are so swayed by the longstanding traditional crutches explanation that they cannot psychologically accept a paradigm change as new facts emerge," observed the lead psychologist. "They have so much invested psychologically in the past appliances, that they cannot admit to themselves that they were mislead or mistaken in their beliefs," he added.
Dr. Nero Oligist quickly dismissed this initiative as an academic overreach by psychologists, venturing into "turf" traditionally held by the crutches profession. Some critics point out that Dr. Nero Oligist as a Full Professor has tenure at Dog Matic Community medical college, and represents established opinion.
Donnchadh
Last edited by Donnchadh on Tue Mar 29, 2011 10:01 am, edited 2 times in total.
US Army 4-star General Prak Tishioner, in an early morning press conference, gave a dire warning of a terrorist Internet Virus.
"The enemies of this country have developed an Internet Virus that is an actual pathogen, endangering the health of those infected by it," the General stated.
It is spread by people who on the surface seem harmless, but using psychological warfare techniques, make unsuspecting Blog Participants extremely vulnerable to infection by the new virus, according to the career soldier.
"What they do, is to use time-tested brainwashing techniques, particularly seemingly endless repetition of the same message, to induce a feeling of disgust and disbelief in these Blog Participants. That drives their immune systems through the floor. Then, they easily catch the new virus, and pass it on by casual contact with other Internet users," the General said generically.
"We urge people to be extra vigilant, and not to respond to these so-called 'posts'. Please report this repetitious behavior to the Department of Homeland Insecurity immediately," said the decorated soldier, with his usual decorum.
The health threat has not been completely assessed, but authorities are afraid it may be a pandemic already. "Flu shots are being designed with a special Internet genetic code that acts as an anti-blogee," he said in code. The military is unclear as to whether this threat will be contained in time to prevent mass vomiting.
This unit of entertainment not brought to you by FREMULON.
Not a doctor.
"I'm still here, how 'bout that? I may have lost my lunchbox, but I'm still here." John Cowan Hartford (December 30, 1937 – June 4, 2001)
Battle of the Blands -- Partly phamous physicians duke it out:
Phamed physicians Dr. P Freedmaroni and Dr. M Zambartman have agreed to a no-holds-barred contest, using only muscle power and wrassling skill. The match, to be held in an undisclosed location in Madison Square Gardens, is slated to be simulcast on pay per view television for the cool sum of 10,000 euros or six bucks, whichever is higher.
This test is said to be a final accounting of the efficacies of current and proposed treatments for the dread disease Factorial Spinoza, which is said to affect 50 percent of sick people, and 60 percent of normal healthy uncontrolled subjects. The winner will determine whether needles or catheters are used, in repair of blocked wheelchairs. Or not. Stay tuned.
This unit of entertainment not brought to you by FREMULON.
Not a doctor.
"I'm still here, how 'bout that? I may have lost my lunchbox, but I'm still here." John Cowan Hartford (December 30, 1937 – June 4, 2001)
