Wheelchair Study (satire)

[Donnchadh]

[AP - For Immediate Distribution] The international giant pharmacological conglomerate, Nostrum Remedium, Inc. announced today that the noted Dr. Nero Oligist has been elected to their board of directors.

This represents a significant change of focus for Dr. Nero Oligist, who for decades has been the chief proponent for the exclusive use of crutches for MS patients. "I have been at the forefront of crutch research for decades, and I was instrumental in advocating the transition from all-wood construction to the current chrome-plated metal crutches," he claimed.

Stock analysts point out that crutch utilization rates have been steadily declining since a new competing technology - wheelchairs - has gained widespread popularity. One talking head on CNBC claims, "In all seriousness, it's clear to everyone except the most hardened CRUTCH zealots that the theory of CRUTCH's has started circling the drain......I think 'all over but the crying' is the correct term." "Desperation", he added, "is the term that comes to mind."

Dr. Nero Oligist will be in charge of Nostrum Remedium's new ventures in developing proprietary Patent Medicine for their MS customers. Concurrent with their research programs (prescription drugs allegedly containing exotic ingredients such as GMO snake oil), the mega corporation intends to launch an innovative advertising program and to hire more sales reps.

As part of his compensation package (rumored to be worth 100's of millions in salary and stock options), Dr. Nero Oligist has agreed to allow his portrait - minus his famous horse blinders- to be the marketing image for the new line of Patent Medicine, under the pseudonym "Dr. James William Kidd."



When pressed for more details, the CEO of Nostrum Remedium, Inc., O. Bese Katt, stated that the "...beauty of Patent Medicine is that we are not legally required under FDA rules to actually cure MS; but just to claim that our drugs slow the progression of this disease." Cynics note above the unsubstantiated claim that, "The lame have thrown away crutches and walked about after two or three trials of this remedy" as being the actual reason why Dr. Nero Oligist has decided to join Nostrum Remedium, Inc.


Donnchadh

[Donnchadh]

Dr. Nero Oligist's Landmark Study:

Disproving a Causal Link Between Iron and Neurodegeneration in Multiple Sclerosis

Dr. Nero Oligist, I. M. Starvin Grad, Dr. Varr Mints

A review of the growing literature concerning CCSVI is indicating some connection to venous reflux which leads to iron deposition and lesion formation in the brain and spinal cord. Recent development of MRI enabled to determine brain iron levels in a quantitative manner, which has put more interest on studying the role of iron in MS. Evidence for abnormal iron homeostasis in MS also comes from analysis of iron and iron-related proteins in CSF and blood and postmortem MS brain sections.

However, these investigative processes are necessarily slow and expensive in generating data. Dr. Nero Oligist has pioneered an entirely different approach in iron reflux and deposition studies. He has engineered a novel, low cost, method of directly applying an iron source to EAE laboratory mice to study absorption rates and subsequent lesion formation.



"My device directly and nearly instantaneously, places an iron load challenge typically at the C5-C6 cervical level on the subject EAE mice," writes Dr. Nero Oligist in his paper. "This technique also simultaneously prepares the subject for postmortem dissection of brain and nerve tissues," he states. The paper abstract notes that 101 test mouse subjects were examined and there wasn't a single observed example of brain lesions of the type definitive of MS pathology. In response to peer reviews, that the iron contact times were too brief, Dr. Nero Oligist allowed the treated mice to "ripen" for 24 hours before removing them from his device. There was no additional measurable uptake of iron in the EAE mice subjects, although the odor emitting from them increased at an exponential rate.

"The study reaches the inescapable conclusion that iron plays no role in MS," determined Dr. Nero Oligist.

However, the paper did observe a difficulty in the initial design of the iron disposition device study. Test mice were reluctant to participate in the study, and shunned the device. This problem was overcome by the placement of the a food attractant in the device, and then the EAE mice subsequently voluntarily joined in the study.

The corporate sponsor of the study, Nostrum Remedium, Inc., places great marketing weight to the results of Dr. Nero Oligist's work on iron. The CEO for Nostrum Remedium, Inc., O. Bese Katt, stated that: "This study again points to the only effective treatment option for MS is our patented line of Placebo prescription drugs."

"We have recently added a bitter tasting Placebo drug, to our existing sugar pill drug, because some patients will only accept something as a drug if it is unpleasant tasting." Recent product development has resulted in significant cost savings in their sugar pill line. "We have successfully substituted GMO corn syrup instead of traditional cane sugar in our pills; and are reaping major cost savings," noted O. Bese Katt.

"These savings will enable Nostrum Remedium, Inc., to fully fund our executive compensation bonuses,"
O. Bese Katt gleefully noted.

Donnchadh

[Cece]

*laughing*
Well done!

[Donnchadh]

Für die Arzneimittelentwicklung ("for drugs") (FDA) in hot pursuit of an Interventionist Radiologist allegedly performing forbidden venoplasty procedures.

To aid in controlling these banned procedures, authorities are issuing an order that all Multiple Sclerosis patients have a "MS" patch sewn on their hospital gowns.

Donnchadh

[Donnchadh]

Dr. Nero Oligist announced a major neurological finding, after reviewing fifty year old abstracts.

"Wheelchairs only need one wheel to be effective, and insisting that both wheels be functional is misplaced," stated Dr. Nero Oligist.

Followups tests were done with the world infamous NAKAJI brand of tires, and even with severe use there still was enough rubber left between the rims and the road surface for the test vehicle to roll. The results now enable this assertion to be raised to the level of dogma, and precludes any further investigation.



Donnchadh

Hearing that you only need one internal jugular vein really was unexpected and set my treatment back!