It is poignant and expresses the feelings of everyone here at one time or another, I am sure.I used to be a brilliant (according to my employers) and very promising computer programmer working in the IT industry since I was 19 years old. I know that the most intellectually productive period of our lives is until the age of 35. Not any prozes, but at least I had 7 productive years.
Today, at age 28, my spirit is not how it used to be, nor it will ever be like that. Is it depression? Is it MS? I will never know. But what pisses me off is the fact that my neuros try to convince me that they are on my side and keep pushing me to start an MSDPI (MS Drug of Proven Ineffectiveness), ignoring the fact that I reached this point while on MSDPIs and feel much better since stopping them and starting diet, exercising and supplementation.
I wonder how worse, in terms of social life only, can I be. I am literally home bound. How more home bound can I be than I already am?
How can I trust a person that takes 200 Euro per Tysabri infusion? How can I trust a person that 2 years ago threatened me that if I didn't start Tysabri, I would be much worse by now? (which, luckily, did not happen) How can I trust a person who every time I ask a scientific question replies to me that I am no doctor and should leave these things to them.
I believe I have crossed the point of no return, thus:
"I hope nothing, I believe nothing. I am free." --Nicholas Kazantzakis
Thanks for listening to this requiem of my life. What I live now I consider an after-death experience.
Off topic, but many of you have posted your accomplishments in life, so I did mine.
I realize that I hold unconventional views, and I will share some of them again with you, sou and Ana. I do NOT believe that our condition is permanent. There have been too many anecdotal accounts of "miraculous" improvement.
When the researchers find the cause of the MS, I think our lives will change quickly and dramatically. Our productivity is not over, sou! In fact, perhaps our usefulness begins right now in our role in advancing MS research.
My advice to all who have an unsympathetic neurologist: Find a new one! We are in an MS marathon; we must assemble a team whose members have the same goal.
We all have times when we think that we just can't go on. When I am "down," I count on you to be "up" and offer me encouragement. I want to do the same for you.
We are part of the same team, I think that goal is in sight, stand with me in the winners' circle.