Confused!

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Confused!

Postby Littlebear » Fri May 16, 2014 11:22 am

Hello All,

I am new here and do not have MS but was dating someone with Primary Progressive for 9 months.

We had known each other as friends and then I got back in touch with him after he had gone overseas but came back. We had always got on really well, and had met a few times but as friends.

He got me through a very stressful divorce and was my rock last year. We started dating and got on SO WELL. I told him he had been the best person I had dated only to be met with, "That does not say much for the people you have dated", which I though very sad as he would not take a compliment. This happened several times and he continually belittled himself and said such things as , "If you felt better about yourself you would not be dating me" which I also found very sad.

He kept saying we should break up as although we got on really well, sex was always an issue because of his physical constraints. I told him I was happy to explore other means but he said he was concerned it would be an even bigger issue in the future.

In March he told me he wanted some space (always a bad sign in my opinion). I left it two weeks and then asked if I could ring him. I asked, if I had not made the move to contact him, would I have heard from him ever again? He said, no.

He started taking Fampyra and last year we went on a short break and he did so much walking. He is still taking it but never leaves the house other than to throw out the rubbish, or go for a meal once a month with his mother which is door to door service in her car. I asked him if he was getting out and he said no and complained his feet had swollen up from lack of mobility.

It has been two months since we broke up and I miss him terribly. I told him and he told me that me telling him how I felt made him feel "awkward".

I cannot believe someone can change their feelings so quickly, and do know his MS is playing a part in this. He has no friends, no social contact other than his nurse/dr and mother. He spends all day sat in front of his PC, smoking.

I know he is capable of so much more, but chooses not to go out or mix with people. I told him to join an online forum or go to his local group and was met with a cutting response.

He used to be such a great looking guy but doesn't bother with his appearance and has aged rapidly (he is 46). He told me that he had no ambitions in life now at 46. I found that quite revealing.

I told him I would be happy to take him out and go on holiday but am met with no, no , no to everything.

He is very close to his mother and let slip that once she had passed away, he would end his life as would have nothing left to live for. He is not the sort of person to make such remarks.

So, I am really at a loss as to what to do. We are talking now, and I want to see him (he lives 2.5 hours away from me), but I don't want him to tell me to get lost for good.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks for reading.
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Re: Confused!

Postby MSandI » Fri May 16, 2014 12:31 pm

Hi Littlebear
ummmm.....your story breaks my heart for you. I know exactly what your friend is thinking. If I push her away then it wouldn't hurt as bad as if she left me because of my ms. I truly get what he was thinking. MS diagnosis and learning to live with that...while trying to make the most of life is a difficult task. Then the depression hits home, and you do not think rational. Instead of trying what your doing. Try something else. I am not saying your doing something wrong. From my own personal experience it comes to, I need to know that my spouse truly supports me in all my decisions and shows me that he loves me no matter what. As for me and my demons actions speak louder than words, silence can also be golden. I wish I could help more, but are lots of people here that may be able to share their experiences that you may find an answer to what you are looking for.
I am thinking of you and wishing you the best
Ann
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Re: Confused!

Postby Littlebear » Fri May 16, 2014 1:02 pm

Thanks so much Ann.
He was diagnosed over ten years ago but slowly over time has cut everyone out of his life.
He told me he went through a stage where he just stopped answering the phone as didn't want to speak to anyone anymore. Nobody calls or texts him now. I ring him but aside from his mum I truly am the only one.
I am 43 years old and have had diabetes since I was 2 and always try and deal with my condition as positively as possible. I am not saying my attitude is the way to go as everyone is different.
I know ms is a completely different ball game and I am not here to compare conditions, but find the fact he has given up on everyone and everything, so incredibly sad.
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Re: Confused!

Postby lyndacarol » Fri May 16, 2014 5:03 pm

Welcome to ThisIsMS, Littlebear. Unfortunately, I don't have the advice you need. I encourage you to seek your own counseling on how to handle this situation. In my opinion, you cannot help someone who refuses to be helped.



"Everything You Want Your Doctor to Know about Vitamin B12"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BvEizypoyO0

I highly recommend this 50-minute documentary.I wonder if your friend was correctly diagnosed with MS; or could he possibly have a vitamin B 12 deficiency?

Signs and Symptoms of B12 Deficiency:
Tingling/Numbness
Sore Mouth or Tongue
Fatigue
Anxiety
Irritability
Depression
Weakness
Abnormal Gait
Mental Impairment
Visual Disturbances
Migraine
Orthostatic Intolerance
Chest Pain
Tachycardia
Difficulty Breathing
Edema (a.k.a. swelling)
Elevated Homocysteine
Elevated MMA
Stomach and G.I. Problems
Blood Abnormalities
Neurological Lesions
Limb Movement Disorders
Psychosis
Thoughts of Suicide
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Re: Confused!

Postby Littlebear » Fri May 16, 2014 11:12 pm

Yes you are right, you cannot help someone who doesn't want to help themselves.
Perhaps it's the fact I have seen that there is a glimmer of hope, but he has chosen to obliterate it.
Thanks also for the documentary link. I will ask him if he has had his level checked, am pretty sure he has but I am grateful for the information.
Thanks everyone.
Littlebear
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Re: Confused!

Postby want2bike » Sat May 17, 2014 5:51 am

You might want to send your friend Dr. Bergman's video on healing MS. If he wants to get healthy again Dr. Bergman's advice will help him. If your friend is taking too many drugs that could be effecting his mental state. He has to want to live and some of these drugs take the will out of a person. Doctors are a leading cause of death in our country and they do much of it with the drugs they prescribe.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zGmyUppmt-g


http://www.healingdaily.com/Doctors-Are ... the-US.htm



http://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/help-inf ... z/D/drugs/
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Re: Confused!

Postby Youarethecure » Sat May 17, 2014 8:21 am

ohh jeeeze....... they need to cure this before I turn into this guy as well :sad:

I totally see where hes coming from, I am 25 and male...... I don't ever want a serious relationship. I am not saying I am not ever going to if it comes up, but I am not looking around for it...... My biggest fear in life is having a daughter (yet that's what I have always always wanted :sad: ) and she goes on to develop this disease. I am never getting married or having kids.

He doesn't believe that ur totally into this and into him. Or if you are, its for the wrong reasons. No matter what he says or shows, he wants someone to be a rock in his life.

Best of luck to you and him in his struggles.
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Re: Confused!

Postby jimmylegs » Sat May 17, 2014 8:27 am

ack never say never :S unless you want to attract people with commitment issues.
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Re: Confused!

Postby Kronk » Sat May 17, 2014 10:05 am

That's a sad tale to be sure... I wanted a big family but after diagnosis I made a conscious decision to stop at 2. I was diagnosed a month after my 2nd son was born. If he is a handsome guy and took care of himself it likely is where he derives a lot of his "self" from. I am the same, former construction worker, had made a living from my hands and strength and the diagnosis rocked me for several months. I read the statistics and they are bleak. I was convinced i would be wheelchair in less than 5 years bedridden by 10 and dead by 15. That IS NOT realistic. Luckily i had my family, and could not fail them. I told my neuro I want 20years to raise my kids, and will do anything to help me reach that goal.

By the sounds of it he is lacking the reason to stay healthy beyond his mother. And it sounds like that isn't enough if he is letting himself go. He needs an inspiration, or a reason to fight. Best of luck, I commend you for your caring and hope you find something that can help. Maybe help him get involved in the local MS chapter or some aid organization so he is making a difference and contributing to a better world.
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Re: Confused!

Postby NHE » Sat May 17, 2014 10:08 pm

Hi Littlebear,
It sounds like your former boyfriend has pretty severe depression and needs help. Unfortunately, I have no advice in this area. If you're up to it, then you may want to contact a professional for advice. In addition, smoking if very destructive. Cigarettes are a highly addictive, toxic poison. Moreover, smoking is well known to worsen MS. One of the best things he could do is to quit. Sadly, this is not easy. A friend once told me that he had quit both heroin and nicotine and nicotine was the more insidious of the two addictions.
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Re: Confused!

Postby Nmm12 » Sun May 18, 2014 6:18 am

Hi,
I am also new here, and your story really hits home for me. I was finally positively diagnosed a few weeks ago, but have had symptoms for about 10 yrs.
My current boyfriend who has lived with me for about 4 yrs, and who I have been with for about 6 yrs had a Mother with MS. I am not sure what to do either. His mother had very bad MS that left her paralyzed and in a nursing home. He is the youngest child, and was helping his father with her in his late teens. He also stayed living at home until his late 20s to help with expenses for her and his father( who was her primary caretaker ) I feel as if it would not be fair to him to stay with me when he spent a good part of his life helping take care of someone. I like your unlike your friend am not depressed, just trying to be fair to him. I am not sure what to do. We will talk about this soon, and if he feels like i do i do not blame him. I will miss him, but wish him the best :-)
Your friend seems extremely depressed, i wonder do you know his mom? Maybe you could talk with her about your concerns? I have also heard that b12 can help with depression.
Good luck to you both
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