Happy Christmas by the way
I read your post and I felt I could have written it, albeit in the female gender, a few years ago.
I was dx'ed with MS 8 years ago, at the time a very physically fit, high-achieving, career orientated, non-stop party animal. It shattered my whole image and identity. I could see nothing but declining, loss, what might have been, pain, making do, poverty, failed personal relationships............it hung over me constantly. I drank too much to ease the physical as well as psychic pain and occasionally when I had drunk too much I told my friends how low I was really feeling. To be honest, I regularly thought of suicide. I know this is a "heavy" post, but that's honestly how low I felt.
I can't say to you what changed really.....just I did over time. I realised that yes, I wouldn't have the same life-course I'd imagined, would have to give in to the MS a lot, bargain with it, allow it space. That I had to adapt and admit defeat, or at the very least an altrnative sometimes. And that if I was angry with myself and fate about that alternative, it would only poison me in the long run.
When I was in hospital with the dx originally and this woman from the MS society came to visit me to provide support. The MS society told my Father she was living proof there was life after MS, but all I could think of when I saw her was that she used an umbrella as a walking cane and I just didn't even want to deal with that. I wanted proof that you wouldn't have to change ANYTHING.
Once I allowed myself make concessions and not let those concessions poison the present, then things got a little easier. I realised I saw this HUGE MS cloud over me, but others did not see it, hardly at all. I realised I saw my symtoms as getting worse, or very serious, yet to be honest, most were quite mild. Finally, doing limited (I would have scoffed at the intensity years ago) regular exercise really lifted my mood, made me feel better about myself gradually.
It's a very bleak space to be in Grumpster, but I hope and believe you will find your own way out soon. Talk to your wife and friends.