This Is MS Multiple Sclerosis Community: Knowledge & Support

[Holyfortune]

Hello,

It all started last last January when she was diagnosed with MS. Since then the relationship has been rocky. She is very distanced and constantly pushing me away. Just a few days ago she told me she doesnt want to be a burden on me in the later years so she thought it was best to break up. I love her more than anything. Is there any hope of her coming out of this state? Also, any suggestions on helping her though this time? Thanks ahead of time.

[MattB]

I don't know if it would help or not but refer her to this site. Show her that there are lots of people who have MS and live fairly normal lives. A big thing on this site that I've noticed is spouses that come on here and seem to be more interested in finding out new things about MS than the people who have MS. They show how much they love their significant other.

[MrsGeorge]

I can understand where your girlfriend is coming from as I am in the process of being diagnosed. I keep asking my husband if he understands what it could mean and whether he wants to stay with me and he does!

I would definitely recommend getting her on here so she can see how many people are living ordinary lives, find out more about her condition, and see the number of spouses on here who love their partner regardless.

Other than that, just keep being there for her and letting her know that you care. MS is not a death sentence - it just seems like it at first.

[Loobie]

It sounds to me like she is feeling "unlovable". IE, how could anyone want this? Try and help her understand that you aren't in it because you feel sorry for her, but that you genuinely love her. Robbie went through something like this a while back and I think he ended up really feeling grateful by the time it was said and done because he realized how much his wife loves him, and it's not just all about how much you can work in the yard. Everyone deserves to be loved and everyone could be so lucky as to have someone like you in their corner.

My advice is to not let her push you away if you really want to be with her. Be patient and realize she is not feeling very good about herself right now and thus feels like she doesn't deserve it. Best thing you can do, IMHO, is to stay the course and try your best to help her understand what you do love about her.

[TwistedHelix]

Ditto all the points above, I'd just add that I think it might be worthwhile for you yourself to look around this site – not just at the technical terms and drug names, but the many personal and emotional issues people have – so that both of you understand that having MS isn't just something you learn to accept and that's it: dealt with. All sorts of problems can come back, or crop up at the most unexpected time, and you kind of have to get used to not being used to it, if you see what I mean.
I think she sounds very lucky to have you, but perhaps she is in such turmoil that she can't see that, and she certainly can't see that you are lucky to have her. A diagnosis like this completely destroys your own image of yourself, and she might only focus on the thought that she is going to spoil your life.
It's because of that that her subconscious mind may be making her act against you: almost as if she's gone off you or resents you… she doesn't want to ruin your life, and she can't bear the thought that you may abandon her in the future, so it's best to get it all over with now.
It will take a long time and a lot of patience to make her see that she is wrong, but it sounds like you're the man to do it.
Wishing you the best of luck,

[nenebird]

I understand how she feels. I fear being a burden to family and hubby more than anything. But if you really love her, just hang in there. She'll get over it. She is dealing with alot right now. Is she going to an MS group? if she did, she'd see lots of couples, and they have a life MS and all.

[Wonderfulworld]

I could have written nenebird's post.
There have been low times where I thought my husband would be better off without me and all this crap from MS, and how it might effect us in the future - money, relationship, our house, even down to the care we choose and where we live etc.. And now I'm looking at my 6 week old son and wondering if he'll have to deal with having a Mum with visible disabilities.....will MS mean my family will be poor if I can't work too?

MS can seem so overwhelming and all the potential problems it might bring, that a partner can test the resolve of the other partner to weather out the tough times.... I know when I've gone through bad times with MS I've offered my husband an "out" if he wanted it, but it's only because I've felt so low about my own worth and having MS. In reality, he needs me as much as I need him, MS or not. And to my astonishment he finds my coeliac condition (gluten free diet) more intrusive in our lives than MS When I'm having a relapse I'm not at my most logical and suddenly I view myself as this huge burden on everyone, whereas in reality I just need to rest a bit more for a few weeks. End of. Oh and pee a bit more, not hear things, and lose my balance, but it's not THAT bad