Boyfriend issues :)

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Boyfriend issues :)

Postby Nero » Thu Jan 01, 2009 4:10 am

Hi everyone,
and happy new Year.
I wouldn't be bothering you but I am pretty upset and confused now.
I am in love with a guy who has MS ( he didnt tell me until everything get really seriouse and he looks absolutely healthy. We are not planning to get married for several unrealted issues and that was discussed before he told me he is sick). He has symptoms, like back pain and he can't drive for a long time ,but he really doesn't like to talk about it. Most of the times he looks fine.
I love him and want to be with him, but the relationship is really messed up because of him. Sometimes he is the sweetest guy and obviously very happy to have me with him, and sometimes he is really mean and rude and even cruel and pushes me away in every possible way. He ll tell me we need to break up and then call me after two days like nothing happened. He ll tell me that I need to leave him because I need a younger guy (he is 10 years older then me) and then right awaystart check my phone for other men,( whom I dont' have, of course). He can dissapear for a week.
Is it MS or his personality? If it is because he is sick, I can deal with that. But sometimes I think he is just doesnt love me or respect me or probably just mean and unconsiderate.
I am sorry that I bother you with that stuff. He just stood me up for New year celebration.
Happy New year everyone, again.
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Postby gainsbourg » Thu Jan 01, 2009 4:54 am

Hi Nero,

This is a tough one! It is encouraging that you are prepared to make allowances for his behaviour because of the MS. It is a difficult illness and can sometimes have quite an impact on personality for a whole range of reasons. It often follows an unpredictable relapse/remitting course. On the other hand I know many people with MS who are kind, considerate and positive regardless of disabilty or fatigue.

Surely at the end of the day you have to judge people as you find them, and from what you describe you are being treated badly and not valued very highly.

The only thing I can say is listen to your head as much as your heart.

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Postby sou » Thu Jan 01, 2009 5:30 am


I am a 28 yo guy with MS in a relationship for 10 years now, with a girl that really loves me and I love her, too. I had a similar attitude towards her, but not so harsh. I am afraid of making a family because I feel I am going to be a useless weight on her and my kids' shoulders. I love her though.

I have visited a psychiatrist, was prescribed antidepressants and I cn now see everything much clearer than before. Have a conversation with your boyfriend and see a specialist. He knows better than anybody. Depression is a cunning disease and is associated with MS. A small alteration in the serotonin levels can cause many behavioral defects.

Serotonin is a neurotransmitter of inhibition. Humans are animals, too. If there is no serotonin to inhibit our animal insticts, it results in very weird behavior that, literally, makes no sense at all.

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To Nero

Postby lyndacarol » Thu Jan 01, 2009 6:52 am

Nero--Listen to sou, he is wise well beyond his 28 years when he writes:
Have a conversation with your boyfriend

I think communication is vital to the survival of any relationship, especially one complicated by MS. My suggestion is:
"Have a conversation with your boyfriend
Have a conversation with your boyfriend
Have a conversation with your boyfriend!"
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Postby patientx » Thu Jan 01, 2009 8:12 am

You've gotten some pretty good advice here. It could be from the MS, or it could be your boyfriend is just a jerk (checking your phone for other men calling?). Depression is a known problem associated with MS, and it can affect people differently.

How long has your boyfriend been diagnosed? Do you know if he acted the same way before the MS? One thing I do know - if he's found someone that wants to be with him despite the illness, he should hold onto that person like grim... well you know.
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Postby notasperfectasyou » Thu Jan 01, 2009 4:42 pm

You will not make it in a relationship with anyone looking towards physical factors to explain emotional issues.

Many of us here are married to MS'ers. I married Kim after she had recently been shifted from RRMS to SPMS. It's part of her body, but I don't use it as a scapegoat to explain her emotions.

Exception, everyone is allowed a bad day. But we all have them. I might have a bad day because I didn't get parking at the metro and my boss is annoyed with me. Kim might have a bad day because she fell or got frustrated with the boys.

MS can bring you a bad day, but everyone has bad days.

But, personally, reading your post. I think it's about maturity. Not one is right or wrong. But relative maturity. You can both be mature for where you are in life, but not necessarily mature within each others life. Think about it. Ken
It would be really nice to be able to put links in here

If I have included a bad link, google the word "Scholar", click link for "Google Scholar". Search for the name of the paper and author in Google Scholar.
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Postby Cleremond2000 » Mon Jan 05, 2009 2:09 pm

I might be able to give you my perspective on it...

I was recently diagnosed with MS this past Feb. I had just started a new relationship with a woman I've know through work for a very long time. She knew that I wasn't feeling myself and held my hand as I was first beginning to seek answers for why I was feeling the way I was.

When the diagnosis came down....I told her that I didn't want to shackle her with my issues and told her that I would totally understand it if she wanted to end things before they got REALLY serious. She had just be divorced a year earlier and had three kids and I didn't want to bring them into a situation with having me be a dead weight if/as my MS got/gets worse.

That's the hardest thing for me relationship wise is knowing that she is shackling herself with my issues. And I wrestle with that guilt all the time. It won't just be my problem anymore. It will be OUR problem and it takes A LOT of communication between us to make it work right.

I echo what others have said.....TALK TO HIM. Get him to talk to a specialist if you think it will help.

He's going to have to humble himself and put some of his pride away. He isn't going to be able to do it all on his own as the disease progresses. He'll need someone to be there and accepting that will be difficult for someone with a lot of pride.

There's no room for pride in a relationship where MS is involved. I've had to learn that the hard way. Honor certainly. Dignity and respect, absolutely. Pride....No freakin' way.
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Postby Miss_Feisty » Mon Jan 05, 2009 2:13 pm

Your boyfriend is clearly testing you. He has issues and appears to be playing games. You know this is a problem and he needs confirmation that you will be in for the long haul, but won't tolerate inconsiderate behavior.

Small children can play similar games, testing people to see what they can and cannot "get away" with. He is testing the waters.

If you pursue the relationship, you two will have a lot of work in learning how to deal with his illness in a healthy way. That's something to talk about.
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Postby jimmylegs » Mon Jan 05, 2009 3:40 pm

to me he sounds like a scammer that's seeing how low he can push your self respect. but that's just me i've trusted some pretty crappy individuals in my day so it colours my view of what might just be immature (at what age?) behaviour that he'll get over once you two have a chat.
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