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Postby NHE » Wed Aug 02, 2006 3:45 am

How NIH Officials Actually Convince People to Review Grant Applications

Editor's Note: The following is a top-secret transcript of an actual conversation between a Scientific Review Administrator (SRA) and a potential recruit to join a study section.

    That SRA, that SRA!
    I do not like that SRA!

    Would you review grants today?

    I would not like to, SRA
    I do not want to, go away.

    You could review grants here or there!
    You could review them anywhere!

    I would not like to here or there,
    I would not like to anywhere.

    Could you read them in a car?
    Read them! Read them! Here they are!

    I could not read your box of grants.
    I could not, would not, and I shan't.

    Could you read them on a plane?
    Could you read them on a train?

    I would not, could not on a plane,
    I could not, would not on a train.
    Not in a house, not in a park.
    Not in the day or after dark.

    An honorarium! An honorarium!
    An honorarium! An honorarium!
    Did I mention the generous honorarium?

    Your lousy honorarium is too small
    To make a difference, none at all.
    I would not, could not, simply can't.
    I have no time to read a grant.
    I am so busy, can't you see.
    I am so busy, let me be!

    If you join our study section,
    You'll steer your field the right direction.
    There's tons of privileged information
    All written in each application.
    There's also things we cannot mention:
    Revenge and thoughts of bad intention.
    But most of all, your dedication
    Will help with your own application.

    Your arguments are quite compelling
    But only good things are you telling.
    There's bad points on which you're not dwelling.
    So stop your sales pitch, stop your selling.

    You may like it, yes you may.
    Try it and you may I say.

    SRA-I-Am, if you will let me be,
    I will try it, you will see.

    Hey - I do like being on study section.
    And meeting reviewers - great connection.
    Yes I can review in the park.
    I'll read all day from dawn to dark.
    I can trash them here or there,
    And I can trash them anywhere.
    I do so like deciding fate
    Of applicants both small and great.
    I would trash them any day.
    Thank you, thank you, SRA!
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