So, I am a 25 year old white female from the temperate united states climate... suprise I have MS. For almost 5 years doctors were trying to figure out what was wrong with me. It has gotten to the point where I can't take more than 5 bites of food before I can't swallow. I'm afraid one day I'll die from choking before this disease gets any worse. I officially found out I had MS August 10, 2012, the day I moved in to my college apartment.
I'm an adult college student. Today was my first day. I was miserable. I'm 4 hours away from home and this campus is HUGE. I probably walked 5 miles today and skipped my orientation because I just couldn't go any further.
I'm completely torn as to what I should do. I take a bus back and forth to campus and it was packed on the way home. I read the sign "Persons must give up seat for those with disabilities." I wanted to sit in the worst way but I didn't want special treatment. I don't want people to think I'm lazy. Plus I figure me standing when all I want to do is sit is a good thing.
Do I tell or not tell my professors or notl? I reached out to someone in disablity services. I'm pretty good with words still, although I find myself wanting to say things and not knowing how to say them often, it creates a social akwardness, do I explain why I do that so often? My major is bioengineering. To give you an idea... two my classes are biocontinum mechanics with statistical analysis and Biological Thermodynamics. Can you say.... analytical? I knew something was wrong with me when I went from a 4.0 my first three semesters to struggling for the 4th and 5th. I understood everything being presented in class I just had such difficulty with the little things like arithmatic. Ask me to do a triple integral over a surface... no problem. What is "10x14/6-8+42=" It takes me forever to get through the little stuff. And numbers... I had to check the bus schedule 4 times in a row because every time I checked when my class ended and then checked for the corresponding Bus... I'd forget what time my class ended. I waste so much time rechecking things...
I read that if I have a disability they would "curve my grade." that is so unfair. I don't want to pass or get As due to a technicality. My future employer certianly won't do that. They'll give me longer to test maybe, or assistance walking the mile inbetween my classes to get to different buildings, but do I really want this? Some days I swear I don't have it. Some days I know I do. Today... I know I do. I asked someone the same question twice and they looked at me like I was crazy. My short term memory is just garbage.
My disability advisor I met with today could not believe the lightheartedness I expressed when explaining to her what is wrong with me. I can sit here and have so much apathy to the fact that my brain MRI appeared to show more white then gray. Maybe I'm still in shock, although I don't feel like I am. There is only a little that showed up in my spine. Very small. In one spot. Could it not be MS? My whole body hurts, my balance took a dump, I walk around like a dizzy drunken fool all day, I see spots constantly, I have numbness and tingling on the left side... I mean, it screams MS but don't "normal people" have these symptoms too.
Am I ranting? Honestly, this is coming out so quickly I really haven't been able to talk much about it... well like this anyway. To my parents I keep a strong attitude and don't let them know it bothers me. If I stay strong, they can too. My husband doesn't believe I have it, or thinks I exagerate to get out of things. I don't exagerate... so sometimes when I don't feel good I don't say anything.
My husband... Did I mention I'm married and my husband is living back home while I finish my degree?
I'm out here alone. I have honestly never felt so alone in my life as I did on the crowded bus today. It felt like they were all happy and healthy and my body was slowly killing itself... I almost cried. I haven't cried since the day (August 10) I was diagnosed. Since then I feel so jaded. This stupid disease could not have come at a worse time. I'm alone, no friends out here, no family, no doctors, no help.
I don't know if I can physically get to classes. I don't know if I can mentally handle them. I miss my husband, but I cannot go through life without a college degree and financially speaking, this college was cheaper by almost 100,000 compared to a school back home. It is so important to me. I picked bioengineering a few years ago because it is the most difficult degree offered nationwide. I really wanted the challenge... boy did I ever get one.
So... what do I do now?
I read through this before submitting.. I just literally wrote it all faster than I read it. So if it seems scattered brained.. well.. for one I am right now and two, I've just been dying to REALLY talk about it. Or say something to someone who might care, or understand. I feel like my MS isn't bad, but maybe it is and I really am as strong as some people think I am? I'm sorry... I should stop. I could probably do this forever. I just am so lost as to what to do or expect or.. anything.