I am at this moment feeling utterly alone. I stumbled a few times going to use the bathroom and I had to ask for my son's help to get back onto the couch that I've hardly moved from for two months. I am 34. I got an MRI on Tuesday. I'm having constant suicidal thoughts, but I have no intentions harming myself. I love my kid. I am just too overwhelmed and more alone than I can bare.
I told my mother earlier this week that my leg had been numb and I'd had to drag it with my son's help. She just said, "creepy" and changed the subject. I've been a librarian, but I'm not employed right now and I had to quit volunteering at the library last week. My world has shrunk. I've lost my hearing in my left year about two years ago. I've total bilateral vestibular loss for seven years. I had the stabby pains in the side of my head. I twitch and spasm, but I still look younger than I am and I'm constantly writing books, so everyone writes me off thinking my life is perfect. I left my boyfriend in November and came from New Zealand to Raleigh, North Carolina. A friend had offered help. I'd known him for 10 years and seen his place before, but when I got off the plane I found myself broke and stuck living with a depressed man on his way to becoming a full-blown hoarder. I can't make food in the kitchen and rather than finding a permanent job. I got worked a few temporary positions, got flu and then just got physically stuck. I want sleep.
I have stopped telling people anything negative. It overwhelms them and drives them away, but I am terrified and I'm writing here hoping that I will be forgiven and someone will understand that I needed to tell the truth. I had an MRI on Tuesday. I am both afraid it will show nothing and also that it will show something, as though that changes my symptoms. I have no health insurance. I've gotten aid from a medical charity.
I've lost all the support of my family years and years ago when I had the first symptoms, but it was only an excuse. I was never wanted from birth, which is why I'm living on the couch of some old friend. My son is here with me and he's got his first job and enrolled in college. He wants to leave. I don't blame him, but I can't do anything. I am so frustrated. My mother spreads rumors about me around her side of the family and my father's, who she is divorced from, saying I am a bad mother, unstable, and a lot of things. Well, I don't feel very good about myself after all of it, but during a particularly difficult time when I was struggling to remember things, having tremors, and depressed, she confessed. She'd allowed and helped my step-father to molest me, and my sister. And she insisted, more or less, my symptoms were all in my head.
So, I am alone. My son's father died in a car accident. She's not poor. She has four empty rooms in her house, but as much as I need help and she has resources, she had the audacity to ask if when I become a famous author, if I'll give her money. At the rate my illness, totally untreated so far, progresses, I don't feel I'll outlive her.
I have education. I applied for disability and was determined to be fully disabled, but too smart. They said, after the tests were done, I was eligible for genius associations well above mensa. But, I haven't figured out how to make that work for me. I can't even type some days. I can't get around and I can't stop crying.
I want to climb under a rock and hide until it is all over. I live in fear that my friend will ask me to leave and I will be left sleeping on the street.
I've never told anyone all of this. I keep constantly talking to friends and family and writers online and being supportive of them. Some of them catch on about different aspects of my situation, but I wish someone was just here right now to watch a movie with me. I had friends in New Zealand who hung out when I felt alone. I had a boyfriend, an alcoholic one, but still someone who held me at night when I was scared. Now, I can't get out so well to meet people and I'm so tired. I am so angry at my friend for telling me to come here in full knowledge of my situation and then basically, he just tried to take advantage of me sexually and when that didn't pan out, he's just left me to my own devices.
Through all of this, my son has been wonderful. But, I don't get this. He doesn't question anything. He just cares. We watch science fiction shows together and I try to support him anyway I can. His father dies and then his mother is sick. He's 17 and he has to do so much for me.
What if the test comes back negative? I've had doctors at clinics tell me I have possible MS for years, but what if I never get help? What am I good for like this? Why does it feel like no one can care? How can I face doctors who have for years sent me away until my problems were so severe and the tests couldn't deny them? How can I take care of myself when I have no home and no family? I can't even get a hearing aid, because I'm deaf in one ear, but not deaf enough.
Am I going to die alone in a ditch somewhere? I sound like a mess. I am, but I'm so tired of having to strong for everyone else. I hurt.
I know this is all about me and I'm writing about a tangle of issues on site where I'm not the only person with difficulties, but tomorrow I will be better. My son will walk out of his bedroom and want food and I will remember why this is worth it. I just am facing so many uncertainties. I can't thank you enough if you've read this far and saw how much I needed to vent. I wish I could always be the person listening. I feel so much guilt about my needs and I don't know why.
When I was 23, I had a classmate, much older than me, who needed help in a course on deductive logic. He broke down once and cried about his husband leaving him right after the wedding and how he had just been diagnosed with MS. I couldn't say anything. I didn't know what to do and it didn't understand it. He looked fine. I tried to see him again, but he was never around after that.
Does it go on? Is it always desperate? Is it lonely? Do people ever understand? Do doctors ever help? Can there be support?
What happened to that guy I knew? Am I ruining my son's life? Is it all in my head? Am I not doing enough? Am I weak?
Thank you for allowing me a box to type my feelings in. I could have written all of this to myself, but since the bulk of what I'm dealing with is related to these tests I am waiting on, I think this box I'm typing in, makes me feel like, no matter how desperate everything feels, I am not Atlas. Anyone could type into the box under a heading, of the evidence of our mortality. I am so tired. I've said everything. I feel better. I'm actually going to hit "submit" without editing, because hey, "I'm anonymous here and I said everything." It feels braver somehow to tell the truth.