I'm not one to post on message boards, but I feel I have no where to turn besides people who have been through the diagnosis of MS. My partner of 1.5 years just broke up with me because he's grieving, not coping with the physical and emotional aspects of being diagnosed with this disease, and feels he can't be the 'boyfriend I deserve anymore' (his words, definitely not mine, no way near my thoughts or actions).
He is a professional, outgoing, athletic, gorgeous, charismatic man who is currently having an utter identity crisis. I love him and have been the best girlfriend a guy could want, and I fully logically know and understand his need to take care of himself and want to be alone at this time. I gave him all the space he needed, no questions, without asking for a thing in return, in hope that he would want me beside him eventually when he's ready, in his own time. He's 30 and I'm 28. But he called it quits on Sunday, not wanting to drag me down with him and unable to focus on anything but himself (his words again).
It's been six months since he first got the optical nueritis, and so I had been secretly googling all about MS since then, in the hope of helping him through whatever he's going through in case he ever needed my support. I've never pushed the point of discussion and have been patient, waiting for him to come to grips with this new reality. But more recently, he's been trying to block it out, partying, drinking a lot, doing all the bad things which he shouldn't - to which I understand would be his need to want to block out what's happening to him, and I've never stopped him from doing what he has to do. Physically, his symptoms have become more apparent and he's vocally accepted he has it. He goes in for a second round of MRI's this week. But we both know he has it, his symptoms just tick all the boxes. He feels his body is changing and his eye sight is gone from one eye from the optical nueritis. He can no longer play sport - a passion in life.
He told me he's pushed everyone out of his life (he hasn't dared told his friends about it, and his family lives on the other side of the world). He has chosen to "block the world away". He describes it as a dark cloud which won't go away, he doesn't sleep and is finding it hard to put on a happy front to get by each day. The weekends have been spent drinking and partying into oblivion.
We are keeping in low contact. He doesn't want me to worry about him, but naturally, as a woman who loves him, I do. I don't know whether it's right to just let him go, or do I keep in light contact to subtly inform him I'm still here and not going anywhere anytime soon... ?
I want to know, if there'll be a time he'll come out of his grief, and get that instinct of survival inside, and eventually want me/someone back into his life? It's heartbreaking he wants to go through it alone. I feel helpless. I don't want to be with any other person besides him, regardless of what the future may hold, I want to be with him.
I have my own life, youth, ambitions and a great career. My head is pretty screwed on so to speak. But I'm confused by this since we had no real relationship problems. Should I dissapear from his life and get on with my own, am I staying in vain, hoping the dark cloud will lift and he'll be wanting my love again?
It's been a horrible journey for him and myself as many of you would know. If you can let me know of any stories similiar to mine - good or bad - of where the partner with MS comes back or leaves for good, do let me know. I'd really appreciate any kind of guidance and insight.
Thank you for your time, from the bottom of my heart.