It's PPMS, I'm certain. Good bye guys, sorry for the rant.

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It's PPMS, I'm certain. Good bye guys, sorry for the rant.

Post by Phoenix1991 » Wed Dec 24, 2014 12:57 pm

Here I lay in bed, on Christmas Eve, contemplating ending my life. In my early years I wished I could sleep the entire day and wake up with the toys under the tree. Not anymore. Now I wish I would wake up healthy.
I have tried in vain to get people to understand that the nerves in my leg demyelinate in heat or after exercise to no avail. Why does my leg feel numb in heat? No one that I talked to knows. The emergency room neurologist said it could be related to demyelination, but no one else has made a big deal of it, not even the multiple sclerosis doctor. 
Yet, it must be MS. That one brain lesion? Is it too far-fetched to suggest that that and my urinary problems might all be related. But no, says the neurologist, the lesion is too small to be causing those problems. And yet people with primary progressive ms have very few if any MS lesions on their brain. For them, it is all cell death. The MRI never changes for them, the cells just die early. No inflammation.
But I don't have PPMS? I'm too young apparently. I don't walk with any funny gait. So why is my leg worse in the heat? Tell me! This is not a somatoform disorder, there is no way that I made up the sensation of pins and needles in my mind when I walk outside into the cold. Those are the nerves reconnecting.
Unfortunately it is not relapsing MS. I am not a lucky man. There are no markers to suggest that it is. No enhancing lesions. No feeling of exacerbation. I will be in a wheelchair soon enough. The rain pours outside. I wish there was a chance to start life over. This one is finished.
No one believes the boy who cried wolf. The boy who wanted love and friends but found none. I am alone. I wish I was strong enough to carry such an awful burden, but I am not. 
There is no treatment for PPMS. Your axons die, then you die. It's a neurodegenerative disease, much like Alzheimer's. 
I'm only 23, for Christ's sake. I wanted a family and a daughter but now i will be lucky to be walking in a few years. I can't believe all the pain and struggle I went through in high school and college ended in this dark, miserable path. I wish God would save me. I wish he would really badly. 
My sin was carrying my stress and anxiety inside of me for so long. That probably messed up my brain in so many ways. I'm sorry God. 
I will most likely end my life. That is such a selfish act, and I will miss my parents. And my only friend.
I hope there is a Heaven and that god forgives me and I can raise a family there and find love and be a dad. But not here. 

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Re: It's PPMS, I'm certain. Good bye guys, sorry for the ran

Post by MSandI » Wed Dec 24, 2014 1:28 pm

PLEASE STOP WHAT YOUR DOING AND THINKING!!!!!!!!!!! CALL 911.. Please think about your mom, I am a mom, this is aweful please call someone for help


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Re: It's PPMS, I'm certain. Good bye guys, sorry for the ran

Post by jimmylegs » Wed Dec 24, 2014 2:15 pm


state by state hotlines

international hotlines ... lines.html

crisis hotline search results ... ted+states
take control of your own health
pursue optimal self care at least as actively as a diagnosis
ask for referrals to preventive health care specialists eg dietitians
don't let suboptimal self care muddy any underlying diagnostic picture!

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Re: It's PPMS, I'm certain. Good bye guys, sorry for the ran

Post by Youarethecure » Wed Dec 24, 2014 4:55 pm

Bro, just go talk to your mom and father... YOU ARE GOING TO FUCKING DESTROY THEIR LIVES MAN.

You haven't even been diagnosed or anything? Stop playing doctor and pretending you have any idea of what is going on.

You do not know the path this disease will take if it is indeed MS or PPMS. It could be the very beginning stages of relapsing MS. Way back when, I too had a single lesion on my brain and nothing more.

This isn't the time to be weak and completely useless. This is your test, and you are failing it. This is the time to be stronger than you ever thought possible.

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Re: It's PPMS, I'm certain. Good bye guys, sorry for the ran

Post by clermont » Thu Dec 25, 2014 11:02 am

You should also know that good nutrition and some medication can help with PPMS as well.
You're young enough to be around when better treatments become available.
There is a lot of research ongoing about PPMS as well.
Also, God gave you life for a reason. You can still find love and have family and daughter.
There are many MS couples out there, even with PPMS.
Also PPMS means just that it goes gradually without relapses, it says nothing whatsoever about the speed of progression.
There are many things you can do to slow it down.
Also, you can have a lot of fun and help a lot of people and do many great things. Every day is a gift.
We will all die one day. But better later than sooner.
There are lots of old people with bad and deteriorating health, yet they still are grateful for each new day.
Each day is a chance to do something nice and cool, to help someone, to bring a smile to someone's face.
Each day there are also developments in medicine and in SCIENCE in general, that can eventually transfer to medicine as well. (like supercomputers and stuff)

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Re: It's PPMS, I'm certain. Good bye guys, sorry for the ran

Post by Scott1 » Thu Dec 25, 2014 1:31 pm

If you want to talk. Send me a private message on this system. I am on the other side of the world from you so give me a little time to be able to get your message.


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