Worried about depression

For questions on how to support loved ones with MS.
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Worried about depression

Post by JFFWC » Wed Apr 17, 2013 9:05 am

Hello all,

First time poster here - I'm new to this forum & dealing with MS. My wife of 20+ years was recently diagnosed with RRMS. It seems that since symptoms first surfaced last October, daily life has never been the same since - there's always something (dizziness, fatigue, etc).

A little background: Years ago my wife and I had a love of cycling. Every chance we'd get, we'd be out on our bikes riding. Long story short, life got in the way and we pretty much stored our bikes for several years while busy with other matters. Now here we are nearing the nicer weather of summer - and I've got the itch to live on my bike this summer. Since getting back into cycling, I've even signed up to ride 97 miles in September for Bike MS to raise money for the MS Society - I have roughly 5 months to train to get back into it (currently trying to ride 15 to 20 miles a day).

Aside from training to ride for a good cause, I've had my own health issues that I'm working through and the exercise from cycling is doing my own health wonders. The problem; knowing this activity is one that my wife and I used to love to do together, I feel incredibly guilty getting out there riding and enjoying myself while she just can't do it anymore. She's had her bike out a few times with me since the MS diagnosis and even with a slower pace at around 4 miles her battery just completely drains.

While she says she's fine and she'll find something to do to fill the time while I'm out on day long rides, I can't help feeling extremely guilty - like I'm walking on egg shells or playing with fire. I've been married to her long enough to know when she's hiding her inner most feelings - this is one of those times.

My question: How do I do something that I still love (and I'm doing now for a good cause - both my health and for Bike MS) without the guilt of leaving her behind or the worry of putting her into depression?

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated...

Thank you,

Tim in WA :?

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Re: Worried about depression

Post by DougL » Wed Apr 17, 2013 9:21 am

i read this a long time ago and maybe it can be used for you and your wife.

"Do continue to invite me to activities. Just because I'm not able to ride bike along with the gang, doesn't mean I can't join you for the picnic at the end of the trail. Please let me decide."

maybe she can't join you on the ride but she can meet you at the finish line.

you might also consider that if you DO NOT go it could be worse for her because she will feel guilty that she is stopping you from enjoying your life.

what about a Tandem bike?

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Re: Worried about depression

Post by Jimpsull » Sat Aug 03, 2013 11:20 pm

My wife and I (15 years) are also dealing with MS (mine). We are seasons ticket holders (seahawks). I would much rather meet her at our seats than make myself miserable trying to keep up with her. Before we had a conversation about it, she practically dragged me along with her.

As you know, open communication is key. Don't stop riding, just be willing to miss a day if she needs you with her. Being able to read her mind will help, otherwise there is always listening.

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