Husband is not supportive whatsoever

A forum to talk about the general challenges of daily life with MS.
Post Reply
Posts: 1
Joined: Tue Mar 10, 2015 8:23 am

Husband is not supportive whatsoever

Post by michellemart » Tue Mar 10, 2015 8:54 am

:cry: Okay so I'm new to this site, and haven't ever posted on any kind of forum before but I don't know what else to do.
I'm 27, married with an almost 3 year old son. My husband and I have been on and off since I was 16, so roughly 11 years. We were married in May 2010, I was diagnosed in August of that year. He's in the military and right after we were married he was stationed overseas for two years. I attempted to move out there but was not able to find a neurologist close enough to be seen as often as I need, so I was denied accompanied orders. He was also denied the option of returning to the states because the military didn't find my situation to be "a valid reason" for us to have to be together. Anyway, some back story here, sorry if it's too much information. I debated having children after my diagnosis, but then on a visit home it happened. Our son was born while he was still away and they didn't meet until he was 8 months old, money and time wouldn't allow it any other way
So I worked full time as a supervisor at a local drug store while my husband was still gone, luckily I was living close to my parents at that time and Nana and Papa would watch the little guy while I was working.
My main problem with MS has been extreme fatigue, which luckily is really the only issue I'm having or have had since my diagnosis. So I was working 40+ hours a week with our own house and our son who was between 2-8 months while I worked full time. I struggled daily with balancing work/housework/taking care of an infant. I thank God I had my family to help while my husband was gone. He finished his tour overseas around the end of 2012, and got stationed in NC. We have since moved in to a beautiful house and have been in NC since then. I have tried on multiple occasions to get him to read up on MS, and although he has nothing seems to sink in. He agreed when he came home that I'd stay home and watch our son. We share a vehicle now, and he works 12+ hrs a day 5 days a week. I have always been the one to clean and cook and take care of our son. If the house isn't clean to his expectations every day he is miserable and an absolute pain to be around. He thinks I'm lazy if everything doesn't get done around here every day. I don't know what else I can do to make him aware of how I feel every day. I'm currently on adderral for the fatigue, but have been without a refill for almost 4 days now. Needless to say I'm dragging right now. He thinks I need to get a job to get out of the house, but in the next breath he refuses to clean or cook because he works all day. So all I can think is I'll be extra exhausted having a job and still coming home to a normal day of housework. I'm miserable right now with him not understanding, or even trying to understand how I feel. Can anyone offer any advice here? I'm at my wits end and would welcome any ideas or advice. Thanks

User avatar
Volunteer Moderator
Posts: 12028
Joined: Sat Mar 11, 2006 3:00 pm

Re: Husband is not supportive whatsoever

Post by jimmylegs » Wed Mar 11, 2015 1:49 pm

hi michelle, sorry to hear the hubby is not supportive. :S if there is any chance you can both sit down with a third party, ie a counselor who has experience with couples one of whom suffers with chronic illness, that could help him understand your point of view.
as for your fatigue, do you have a handle on the nutritional aspects of ms? is your iron level (serum ferritin) high enough to protect against fatigue? how are you doing on preparing healthy food for yourself and the fam?
i'm sure others will chime in with more advice - i broke up with my ex a year after dx (it was long overdue anyway) so i don't have to deal with anyone's opinion about what does or doesn't get done in a day. i can imagine it's the last thing you need to deal with though. the closest i can get to relating, is being attacked by family members over decisions i made about how to take care of myself. the last thing you need is to be trying to do is defend yourself against disease and family all at the same time :S for one thing, stress depletes some of the nutrients that you need to avoid fatigue. so the criticism is more likely to have the opposite effect than the one that's intended!!!
take control of your own health
pursue optimal self care at least as actively as a diagnosis
ask for referrals to preventive health care specialists eg dietitians
don't let suboptimal self care muddy any underlying diagnostic picture!

Family Elder
Posts: 130
Joined: Thu May 16, 2013 7:49 pm

Re: Husband is not supportive whatsoever

Post by Jimpsull » Sun Apr 12, 2015 9:51 am

Marriages have challenges (with or without MS). You need to talk with each other. During the first few years after my diagnosis my wife seemed very unsupportive. She believes in "mind over matter" and felt that talking about it or thinking about MS would give me excuses for laziness, encourage me to accept limitations, cause me to identify myself as an MS patient rather than a person who just happens to have MS.

Over the years she came to see that I wasn't making excuses and that I was doing all I could. I've been on the Swank diet for about 4 years, have added an exercise regimen, have continued to work. She has gone from ignoring MS to sending me links to interesting research she stumbles upon.

MS is a bummer and it has an impact - but you and your husband are on the same side. He may need reassurance from you that you're not using your MS diagnosis as an excuse and that you do want to contribute. You may not have the energy level to do as much as he does but you don't plan to be a bump on a log either.

Posts: 2
Joined: Mon Jul 06, 2015 5:55 pm

Re: Husband is not supportive whatsoever

Post by Surf22 » Mon Jul 06, 2015 6:27 pm

Maybe have the dr explain to him? Bring him along for an appt and ask the dr to put some sense into him sort to speak :)
I think, however, everyone has a different way to cope. He might still be in denial or have no clue what MS really does to you. Trust in God and pray that he has a change of heart as well. Good luck!!

Getting to Know You...
Posts: 16
Joined: Fri Jan 08, 2016 10:53 pm

Re: Husband is not supportive whatsoever

Post by aplkwst1 » Sun Jan 10, 2016 3:47 pm

I have found I have to be the voice of reason as to what I can or can't do. My husband doesn't discuss or talk about it with me at all. If I have a limit to what I can or can't do I just say it. I don't find that complaining helps, just making the statement that I can't do that right now seems to work best. Everyone does have their own way, doesn't mean they don't care, just how they deal with things. Hope you find some peace within yourself on this.

Getting to Know You...
Posts: 18
Joined: Tue Dec 08, 2015 6:54 pm

Re: Husband is not supportive whatsoever

Post by StaryNight » Sun Jan 10, 2016 7:46 pm

I agree with maybe bringing him to a good doctor that can explain it all to him. Very sad that he is not supportive but I wonder if maybe he's fearful of it and what it's doing to you. Sometimes fear has a way of making people act terrible.
I was dx in 2008 ( I'm a Nurse, married to a Marine) and he has been very into knowing everything. In fact, he is more versed in MS than I am. I wish for everyone with this monster MS to have someone like my hubby. I'm so grateful on top of which he was injured in combat and still he makes sure I have what I need but I do the same for him as I have to care for him as well. Thankfully we have one another. We don't have family to rely on or go to so we have always been extra close I think as a result of that.

I think your hubby may be fearful of the MS and is maybe acting out some. I could be wrong. Get him to a good counselor on base or to one of the Neuros that can explain all this to him. I feel so badly for you that you are in this boat. Are you enrolled in EFMP? I never was as I just don't do anything with all those base programs but for some that is a very helpful program and maybe they as well could talk to him. They have some skilled counselors there as well.

Please update on your situation. You will be in my prayers and thoughts. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this on top of having MS. Stress is our worst enemy and this has to be causing you more stress. Thinking of you.

Post Reply
  • Similar Topics
    Last post